During two separate conversations with two separate friends, the three of us mentioned the fact that we do not have friends. I mean, we are friends to a certain extent; one of the gals is one of my best friends, and the other gal is a coworker. While I get together with the one gal, the other gal and I don’t mingle outside of work. (Though, I did go with her and her daughter to see the midnight release of the movie Eclipse.)
For several days I pondered about why I do not have friends, and I came up with 10 reasons.
10 Reasons Why I Do Not Have Friends
1.) I do not like drink wine.
I am not a wine addict; I am an ice cream addict. Unfortunately, when you are invited to a party, you are almost always offered a glass (or an entire bottle) of wine. When I politely decline the offer of wine, the stares I receive are enough to leave me feeling naked. Never have I been offered a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream (Phish Food, please), but I do not stare at the host/hostess with a look of disgust at their rudeness.
2.) I do not like the following movies: Raising Arizona, What about Bob, and Groundhog Day.
I could spit in public or pass gas in an enclosed and heavily populated room, but the minute I admit to not liking those movies – I am shunned as quickly as one shudders when they hear the word ‘scabies’.
3.) I do not have nor do I plan to buy a smart phone.
Because I have to press the number 8 once to get to the letter ‘t’, the number 3 twice to get to the letter ‘e’, the number 9 twice to get to the letter ‘x’, and the letter 8 once to get back to the letter ‘t’, I rarely text. As a result, I cannot stay up to date on the ins and outs of potential friends. I am unable to respond in a timely manner to their message to me about the fact that they bought wine or just rented What about Bob for the 10th time. Moreover, I am unlikely too text them about a cute pair of shoes I found at TJ Maxx.
4.) I do not like shopping, and I detest places like TJ Maxx.
I’d prefer to have my annual exam with my gynecologist or get a filling at the dentist than spend the day at a mall or outlet plaza. And for the love of all that is neat and tidy, do not drag me into a store like TJ Maxx, where items are scattered throughout the store with no organization whatsoever. I wear a size 10 9 shoe, I should not have to check the collection of supposed size 2 shoes to find a size 10 9 shoe.
5.) I do not like talking on the phone.
I’d prefer you not text me, because I do not have a smart phone. The same holds true for calling. I’d prefer you not call me, especially when you are roaming the aisles in a place of business where all the patrons are privy to your conversation with me. I am a blogger, so I do not have a problem sharing bits of my life with the general public, but I like to control what I share. I do not need you to ask me “Do you still have diarrhea?” while you are on the crowded paper product aisle of the store. (Even if seeing the toilet paper was an understandable trigger for you.)
6.) I grow bored easily, especially when the topics surround wine, cooking, working out, and mani/pedicures.
I have already established I am not a wine drinker. Well, I’m not a cook, either. I do not work out, my finger nails are real and never painted, and the only person that touches my feet is my husband. Apparently, conversations are hard to have unless the topic includes wine, cooking, working out, or mani/pedicures. *Yawn* I’ll just sit over here in the corner.
7.) I enjoy talking about politics and religion. *Bonus: I’m a Republican-voting Christian.
Really, I need not explain further. I am surrounded by Democrats. I cannot say with accuracy if religious people surround me, because the topic is seemingly taboo. However, I have noticed many people will openly gripe and groan about religion and Republicans (quite rudely at times, too). When I try to engage in a discussion, I am met with bristles and a standard response, “Oh, I’d rather not talk about religion or politics.”. Okay, that’s fine. You can continue your griping. *Yawn* I’ll just go back and sit over in here the corner.
8.) My kids are not involved in organized sports.
We are home more than we are not home. We do not spend days at the soccer field or baseball field. We do not have weekend long tournaments, nor do we take part in team parties. I’ll be happy to listen to you tell me about the practices, games, and tournaments, but you’ll likely grow tired of the fact that I am unable to reciprocate and/or I have fallen asleep.
9.) We do not have cable.
I am unable to talk about Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Toddlers and Tiaras, Jersey Shore, Mad Men, True Blood, Homeland, The Wire, etc.. Yes, we have Netflix streaming. Yes, I have watched past seasons of Mad Men (and liked it), but I know enough to cover a five-minute conversation. Then what? Besides, I am grateful I know nothing about the Kardashians, Toddlers and Tiaras, Jersey Shore, and many other cable hits, and I really don’t need you to ruin my blissful ignorance.
10.) My husband sucked me into his black hole.
During the conversation with one of my friends, I had an a-ha moment. I told her one of the reasons we do not have friends is because of our husbands. I validated my statement by pointing out how much fun we were prior to getting married. We were typically the life of the party, and we were considered fun to be with at parties. In fact, our husbands approached us because we were so much fun.
Turns out, they rode our coat-tails of fun to the point that we are too exhausted to continue. My friend said it best when she wrote, “Oh, and [don’t] forget to mention that motivating [our] husbands to do anything social is like wrestling a greased pig with much the same results, low success rate and too exhausted to enjoy the few victories that do occur.”
I knew the reason I have no friends was my husband’s fault.