10 Reasons Why I Do Not Have Friends

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During two separate conversations with two separate friends, the three of us mentioned the fact that we do not have friends. I mean, we are friends to a certain extent; one of the gals is one of my best friends, and the other gal is a coworker. While I get together with the one gal, the other gal and I don’t mingle outside of work. (Though, I did go with her and her daughter to see the midnight release of the movie Eclipse.)

For several days I pondered about why I do not have friends, and I came up with 10 reasons.

10 Reasons Why I Do Not Have Friends

1.)    I do not like drink wine.
I am not a wine addict; I am an ice cream addict. Unfortunately, when you are invited to a party, you are almost always offered a glass (or an entire bottle) of wine. When I politely decline the offer of wine, the stares I receive are enough to leave me feeling naked. Never have I been offered a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream (Phish Food, please), but I do not stare at the host/hostess with a look of disgust at their rudeness.

 2.)    I do not like the following movies: Raising Arizona, What about Bob, and Groundhog Day.
I could spit in public or pass gas in an enclosed and heavily populated room, but the minute I admit to not liking those movies – I am shunned as quickly as one shudders when they hear the word ‘scabies’.

3.)    I do not have nor do I plan to buy a smart phone.
Because I have to press the number 8 once to get to the letter ‘t’, the number 3 twice to get to the letter ‘e’, the number 9 twice to get to the letter ‘x’, and the letter 8 once to get back to the letter ‘t’, I rarely text. As a result, I cannot stay up to date on the ins and outs of potential friends. I am unable to respond in a timely manner to their message to me about the fact that they bought wine or just rented What about Bob for the 10th time.  Moreover, I am unlikely too text them about a cute pair of shoes I found at TJ Maxx.

 4.)    I do not like shopping, and I detest places like TJ Maxx.
I’d prefer to have my annual exam with my gynecologist or get a filling at the dentist than spend the day at a mall or outlet plaza. And for the love of all that is neat and tidy, do not drag me into a store like TJ Maxx, where items are scattered throughout the store with no organization whatsoever. I wear a size 10 9 shoe, I should not have to check the collection of supposed size 2 shoes to find a size 10 9 shoe.

 5.)    I do not like talking on the phone.
I’d prefer you not text me, because I do not have a smart phone. The same holds true for calling. I’d prefer you not call me, especially when you are roaming the aisles in a place of business where all the patrons are privy to your conversation with me. I am a blogger, so I do not have a problem sharing bits of my life with the general public, but I like to control what I share. I do not need you to ask me “Do you still have diarrhea?” while you are on the crowded paper product aisle of the store. (Even if seeing the toilet paper was an understandable trigger for you.)

 6.)    I grow bored easily, especially when the topics surround wine, cooking, working out, and mani/pedicures.
I have already established I am not a wine drinker. Well, I’m not a cook, either. I do not work out, my finger nails are real and never painted, and the only person that touches my feet is my husband. Apparently, conversations are hard to have unless the topic includes wine, cooking, working out, or mani/pedicures. *Yawn* I’ll just sit over here in the corner.

7.)    I enjoy talking about politics and religion. *Bonus: I’m a Republican-voting Christian.
Really, I need not explain further. I am surrounded by Democrats. I cannot say with accuracy if religious people surround me, because the topic is seemingly taboo. However, I have noticed many people will openly gripe and groan about religion and Republicans (quite rudely at times, too). When I try to engage in a discussion, I am met with bristles and a standard response, “Oh, I’d rather not talk about religion or politics.”. Okay, that’s fine. You can continue your griping. *Yawn* I’ll just go back and sit over in here the corner.

 8.)    My kids are not involved in organized sports.
We are home more than we are not home. We do not spend days at the soccer field or baseball field. We do not have weekend long tournaments, nor do we take part in team parties. I’ll be happy to listen to you tell me about the practices, games, and tournaments, but you’ll likely grow tired of the fact that I am unable to reciprocate and/or I have fallen asleep.

9.)    We do not have cable.
I am unable to talk about Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Toddlers and Tiaras, Jersey Shore, Mad Men, True Blood, Homeland, The Wire, etc.. Yes, we have Netflix streaming. Yes, I have watched past seasons of Mad Men (and liked it), but I know enough to cover a five-minute conversation. Then what? Besides, I am grateful I know nothing about the Kardashians, Toddlers and Tiaras, Jersey Shore, and many other cable hits, and I really don’t need you to ruin my blissful ignorance.

10.)  My husband sucked me into his black hole.
During the conversation with one of my friends, I had an a-ha moment. I told her one of the reasons we do not have friends is because of our husbands. I validated my statement by pointing out how much fun we were prior to getting married. We were typically the life of the party, and we were considered fun to be with at parties. In fact, our husbands approached us because we were so much fun.

Turns out, they rode our coat-tails of fun to the point that we are too exhausted to continue. My friend said it best when she wrote, “Oh, and [don’t] forget to mention that motivating [our] husbands to do anything social is like wrestling a greased pig with much the same results, low success rate and too exhausted to enjoy the few victories that do occur.”

I knew the reason I have no friends was my husband’s fault.

.:.

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57 thoughts on “10 Reasons Why I Do Not Have Friends

  1. HATE all of the movies and TJ MAXX, Marshalls and Ross give me panic attacks. I don’t like talking religion because I have none and politics because though I know which direction I lean, I seriously don’t get it. I’m an ignorant idiot.

    Mostly I just like my dogs and that’s what I want to talk about and show pictures of. And sometimes Noah.

    But I do love wine. And ice cream. I’m easy.

    • And I am certain, when I show up at your doorstep – you will either have Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer for me, or you’ll ask Hot Joe to go snag some at the store. I believe this about you. Let me dream, Kim. Let me dream.
      P.S. Dogs rule. (Sometimes kids and hubs, too.)

  2. 1) I drink wine because of my husband; 2) I’ll watch those movies if it means not having to listen to my husband; 3) I have a Smart phone so I can send my husband text messages in the living room to turn down the TV volume; 4) I like TJ Maxx because my husband won’t go in there with me; 5) same as #2, basically; 6) my husband had better not touch my feet; 7) you have described my husband perfectly; 8) mine were, so my husband would take them and take a break from cable; 9) we do, so my husband will watch it and leave me alone; 10) why did they do that to us?!

    You’ve heard of “Sleepless in Seattle?” I’m Friendless in DC since the move from CT. And that’s okay! Except that I’m blogging again and writing really long comments.

  3. Ha! This was hilarious; the part about texting especially got me giggling. I wonder how many bloggers would agree to not liking to talk on the phone; I know I’m one of them! Although, I also don’t like to be held hostage by nighttime texting (once you respond once, THEY KNOW YOU’RE THERE). Evenings are when I’m too busy with my wine and Toddlers and Tiaras, LOL, GUILTY!

    I only have a couple of close girlfriends, not counting my sister and my mom. It’s totally their fault (the husbands). …But….I think I like it this way 😉

  4. I prefer to hang out with people who like different things than me and who don’t agree with me 100% about issues. Makes conversations so much more interesting.
    You don’t like wine? Awesome! More wine for me!
    But I also don’t like shopping, talking on the phone or having my nails done. And even though Raising Arizona is my all-time most favorite movie, I still like you. 🙂

    • Well, Nicholas Cage is one of my all-time most favorite actors, so if I have to watch one of the three, I’d prefer that one.
      I look forward to getting together – I’ll watch you drink wine, and I know you’ll accept me eating my ice cream straight from the container. Thanks, Amy! 🙂

  5. The smartest thing my phone can do is ring if I’m receiving an incoming call.
    Sometimes.
    But not always.
    I would kinda like an iPhone, though (just for the camera and Instagram / Hipstamatic, though).
    🙂

  6. Deanne

    Pretty funny. I liked number one… Although I take that to another extreme… Try not drinking AT all and see what kind of looks you get. At least you have beer. 🙂

    • Deanne, when I was pregnant Rob and I didn’t drink. We had a friend arrive at our house for a party. When he asked why we weren’t drinking, we told him we stopped. I swear to you – he became ghost white. He was the first to arrive at the party, and I kid you not – he looked at the door, contemplating a quick getaway. It was hilarious!

  7. You know what? I don’t like those movies either, so I think we can still be friends.

    I have a smart phone because I’d RATHER text than actually talk to someone. I can’t believe how long I spent talking to friends on the phone when I was younger — crazy.

    And the reason people don’t want to talk about religion or politics is because we’ve lost the mechanisms of having reasoned, respectful discussions.

    • You have good taste, Steve. Although, that opinion comes from someone with no friends, so take it for what it’s worth.
      I prefer texting to talking, too. As one might expect, I am a frequent emailer.
      If you ever want to talk religion or politics, Steve – know that I respect your opinion, I am open to your opinion, and I will listen. Just don’t call me, OK?

  8. I hate TJ Maxx! I don’t have a smart phone either, it’s good to know I’m not the only one. And, as already y’know, I hate shopping in general…and cooking… and especially talking on the phone.

    But the wine part…well…if you ever come over here I’ll be sure to whip up some ice cream flavored wine for you. Oh, and Raising Arizona, good lord I love that movie, sorry. Since you like Nick Cage, have you seen Adaptation? I just watched it on Netflix last night and uh, it was very interesting to say the least–odd movie. And my husband HATES hates hates Groundhog’s Day (I love it!) Whenever it’s on TV we fight over watching it.

    • I have Adaptation in my queue, Darla. Should I watch it? As I said to someone else (Amy, I think), out of the three movies, Raising Arizona is the one I can tolerate the most. Although… I did walk out of the theater when I saw it the first time. TRUE STORY! Walked out.

      Just have ice cream in the freezer or a Guinness in the fridge, and I’ll be happy. We can gripe and groan together about all those young whipper snappers with their smart phones, while rocking on the front porch. (Um, do you have a front porch?)

      • Well, I really liked Adaptation. It was very unique and Meryl Streep is in it and I love her. It’s the kind of movie that leaves you thinking about it after you watch it and I thought Cage was his best as an actor in it (he plays twins). So if you like him, watch it. Did you ever see Being John Malkovich? It’s written by same screenwriter, same director.

        And yes I have a tiny front porch with room for two rocking chairs for us old farts.

      • I also liked Adaptation, like both wine AND ice cream and my phone is used to…get ready for it…make and receive PHONE CALLS. Don’t worry that there aren’t enough chairs – this old fart is still young enough to sit on the porch steps.

  9. Even with #7, I think we could be besties….I hate pretty much most of the stuff you hate. I have always blamed my husband for my not having friends, but then I blame him for everything, anyway.

    He has a friend he has been best friends with since kindergarten. I’m pretty much friends with whomever I am around currently. Sad. Since moving to Florida, I have only 2 friends I have kept in touch with from Michigan, and I feel those contacts slipping away – even with all this modern technology.

    I will drink wine, but it gives me a headache (red wine, anyway) but I’d rather have a Guinness any day.

    • We can blame your husband for the fact that I am a Republican-voting Christian, Katy. We can gripe and groan while enjoying a fresh pint of Guinness. Sounds like a great day, if you ask me. 🙂
      Speaking of headaches, I hope you are feeling better. I’m anxious to see who won the Envy post competition.

    • I read that to mean you and I share the same negative feelings to the phone and shopping? That’s enough for me, Bella. Consider yourself my friend, assuming the other things don’t bother you too much. 🙂

      • Oh my…….I should not comment when I have not had enough coffee if it comes out like that! Yes, I REALLY do not like to shop or talk on the phone. Many of the other things you list we have in common but not all. Regardless, I am honored to be considered your friend 🙂 and hope you will consider yourself my friend.

  10. Talking on the phone sucks, but talking on a cell phone is the worst. I can never hear so I have the phone pressed so hard against my head that it leaves an indentation, and then I begin to sweat because I can only hear every other word and at some point, I will be expected to say something, and I have no idea what the conversation is about.

    • Hahahahaha! So very true, Speaker7 – so very true! One more reason cell phone conversations are far from private … folks are SHOUTING, because they can’t hear and they assume you can’t hear either! A vicious cycle with everyone walking around with indentations in their ear. So funny.

  11. Lenore, I’m with you on 8 of the 10. Can we be friends? I won’t text you with my smart phone, and hubby surfs through the cable channels and declares there is nothing on…

    • You made my Mom laugh out loud, Patti. She read your comment, and she liked the part about your husband surfing the cable channels only to determine there was nothing on. Funny stuff. Thanks for being a friend. 🙂

  12. All ten resonate as being absoutely true and logical. While I come down on the other side of a few of your reasons….wine in particular….I completely relate to most of the others. What? You want to talk religion and politics instead of curtains and muffin recipes? Where have you been when I needed someone to talk to at a boring cocktail party? I’m sure we could have had some delectable conversations about both since I’m not Christian or Republican. And I thought I was the only woman in the world who hates the telephone. Isn’t that what email was invented for? Great post. (I’m quite sure you have more friends than you give yourself credit for, but you also have your hands full with kids, hubby, job, and home job and blog!

    • Oh Linda, I so appreciate the fact that you would be willing to engage in a dialogue with me regarding politics and religion. It’s even more fun when the persons don’t agree, because you can gain so much out of a differing of opinions. I really enjoy listening to differing opinions.
      I inherited my hatred of the phone from my Mom. She taught me well. (smile)

  13. It’s always the husband’s fault. So glad you worked that into the real reason for not having friends. You must have gone to the same school for women as my lovely bride. 🙂

  14. Lenore, you sound like perfect friend material to me. Like you, I don’t drink wine or own a smart phone. My phone doesn’t even take pictures–I actually use my phone for, believe it or not, making phone calls and only when absolutely necessary. I also am a Republican-voting Christian who doesn’t like Raising Arizona or What About Bob and I am married to a man who doesn’t like to socialize. I do confess, however, to liking Groundhog Day. Oh well, no one is perfect!
    It’s too bad you don’t live in Virginia, Lenore. I’ll have to settle for being your “blog follower” with whatever version of blog friendship that comes with blog/internet connections.

  15. I think we could be friends .. I dislike wine, haven’t seen any of those movies, despise shopping (except online-oh yeah!), I love politics and I vote often and not Democratic 😉 but … I do like to talk on the phone .. provided its not about wine, shopping, or sports 🙂

    MJ

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