Author: Lenore Diane

I am married. We have two boys, two dogs, and two cats. I am on the Oxford Comma team. I look forward to my first large cup of coffee, black, every single morning, and I look forward to that second large cup of coffee, still black, every single afternoon.

Stuck in a State of Pause

~ Lenore Diane ~ 4 Comments

Remember the shutdown of 2020 due to COVID-19? That’s a rhetorical question. I don’t think anyone will forget the shutdown. Admittedly, my husband and two kids didn’t mind the shutdown. The kids were fine playing on their computer, my husband was fine tinkering in the basement, and I was fine getting out and walking every day. It worked for us for the first several months. Gradually though, like most everyone else, we found ourselves in rut. The kids grew tired of playing on the computer, and I grew tired of walking every single day. (Notice I left my husband out, he will never grow tired of tinkering.)

In early 2020, before the true shutdown began, I was actively working full-time as an in-home pet sitter. I was very busy the first several months of the year, and when all travel stopped, I was grateful to be home with my family and sleep in my own bed. It was nice having free time again. It was nice seeing my family – all day every day. And, it was nice getting a chance to take myself for a walk vs. taking my clients’ pups for a walk. (I don’t poop on my walks, and I enjoyed not having to pick up any poop.)

As the year dragged on with the pandemic raging and people dying, I struggled to stay positive and motivated. I decided to create monthly challenges via Facebook, and I organized virtual happy hours and book clubs. I was motivated, and connections were made and friendships grew. And through it all, I gained a stronger awareness of social injustice and racism. I learned a great deal in 2020, and I grew a great deal in 2020. But, I left 2020 tired.

The monthly challenges I created to connect and motivate became tiring for me, as did the virtual book clubs and happy hours. I felt I was carrying these connections by myself. People were asking me to create new challenges to motivate themselves, but I didn’t see anyone stepping up to motivate me. I slowly slipped into a pity party for myself. It seemed to me that if I wasn’t doing the leading, it wasn’t going to get done; but, I was looking for new leaders. I was tired of leading. I wanted to be led. I wanted to be motivated by others, as I had motivated them. As I slipped further into my pity party, I walked away from creating challenges, organizing virtual book clubs and happy hours. I slipped into something similar to a deep depression.

It’s nearly the end of 2021, and I find myself still in the the hole I was in when I left 2020. It’s not depression; it’s a true lack of motivation. That’s not to say I don’t have any motivation. I still get out of bed. I still want to work. I still want to be with my family, make the bed, take the boys to school, etc. I still want to live. But, I’m not motivated to better myself. I’m not motivated to better others. That sounds horrible. It’s awful.

Looking back, 2020 seems like a year of nothing, because we were stuck at home for most of it. It’s not true though – so much happened. Still, the pause button was in place for so very long, and I am finding it very hard to get it unstuck. I’m trying to create challenges, again; I’m trying to connect with friends, again – in real life; but, it’s not working very well. I’m not walking consistently, and I’m not meeting my own challenges. I’m trying to find the motivation, but the motivation hasn’t returned in full.

Apparently my attempt to connect and stay motivated in 2020 depleted my fuel tank. It’s October 2021, and my fuel tank still seems depleted. It’s taking a very long time for me to get back into life. It’s taking me a very long time to want to care for myself and others. I still care, but the drive – the desire – the motivation . . . it’s not strong and it doesn’t last long. (It lasts about as long as my morning and afternoon caffeine fixes.) Am I the only one?

People are continuing to die from complications to COVID-19, as well as other diseases. How many of us made it through the pandemic but are still struggling to live again? Dying due to complications from any illness sucks, and there is literally no coming back from it. Being alive but not living due to complications from a tragedy or trauma is – well, it’s stupid. But, it’s where I am right now; and, I am trying hard to get unstuck in all aspects of the life I still have. Are you still stuck? Are you still trying to get unstuck? If so, I get it. And, I wish us luck in getting unstuck in this state of pause.

::

A Bit of Release Before Dramatically Letting Go

~ Lenore Diane ~ 4 Comments

My Mom is in the hospital. She was admitted to the hospital on Monday of this week with what turned out to be 3 broken/fractured vertebrae and an urinary tract infection. Having worked with physical therapists within the hospital, walked with assistance and support of a back brace, and her infection under control, my Mom was set to be released today and moved to a rehab facility for a “short stay”. Unfortunately, this morning we found out she had an increased heart rate, and they canceled the plans of moving her to the rehab facility today.

I share the above to give you an idea of my current mood. To be clearer, some of the emotions I am feeling include anger, anxiety, fear, frustration, sadness, and tiredness. And though my Mom’s current situation may be the catalyst for this post, my Mom’s current situation only added an intensity to the emotions I listed. I was feeling those emotions before my Mom was admitted to the hospital.

Generally speaking, I am an active Facebook user. I have a Facebook page that I manage for my pet sitting business, where I post pictures of my dog and cat clients (sometimes reptiles and amphibians clients, too). And, with regards to my personal Facebook page, I enjoy checking in with family, friends, and a few acquaintances, seeing what folks are posting, and sharing my own thoughts, pictures, etc.. For the past year, many of my posts have been about racism, because I am very passionate about the Black Lives Matter movement, and I am actively working to live an anti-racist life. However, for the past week or so, I’ve not checked in with others via Facebook, and I’ve not posted pictures, thoughts, and/or articles.

For the record, I’m not a Trump fan. I didn’t vote for him when he ran and won, and I hope he never returns to hold a political office. In my opinion, in all the years that I have used social media, it was the worst place to be last year, and I believe the negativity was fueled by Trump and his supporters. I unfriended many friends and family members, because I was tired of the conflicts and what I perceived as hate speech. While I was unfriending them via Facebook, I didn’t consider it an end to all of these friendships, because many of these friendships were created before Facebook existed. That said, if I didn’t feel a need to reach out and connect with them in real life, and they didn’t feel a need to reach out and connect with me in real life, was it really a friendship?

There was a cartoon popular a few years ago showing a picture of a funeral home, with just a few people attending a funeral. The caption on the cartoon was something along the lines of, “I was expecting a larger turnout, because she had over 2,000 Facebook friends.” I’m a person that takes friendships seriously, and I’m not saying I am alone in that regard. But as I unfriended many Facebook friends, I was slowly coming to the realization that what I really wanted wasn’t Facebook friends but friends in real life. That’s sad, eh? Because before social media, we had friends in real life. Right?

For the past few days, when things with my Mom seem to be improving, I found myself once again scrolling through my personal Facebook feed just about every day. I didn’t post anything, and I “liked” or “loved” very little. This morning, while I scrolled, I grew increasingly frustrated with the division that continues to exist within my feed and my world of Facebook friends: Dr. Seuss. Masks. Biden. Trump. Cancel culture. Rights. Freedom. Claims one “is not racist because”. Questions of whether or not “cancel culture” is uniting or dividing. I find it all so sad. And when one is already sad, it doesn’t make sense to surround one’s self with more sadness. Plus, it pisses the hell out of me that the majority of the people complaining about a cancel culture are white. (It doesn’t surprise me; it makes me mad.) Plus, plus – having *not* engaged in the dialogue, the urge to engage has diminished. (I consider that diminish a blessing.)

I don’t know that my desire to become active again on Facebook will return. I will continue to update my business page, and when I write something for my blog – like today – I will share it on my personal page. But other than that? I’m out. No more “likes”. No more “loves”. No more engaging in posts. I think it’s time I get back to my writing, which is a better way for me to express and share my passions without getting bogged down by the distractions that fill one’s Facebook feed. And, I want to get back to more meaningful discussions with the people I interact with outside of Facebook. If you happen to be reading this and you are one of my Facebook friends, then the following message is for you.

If you need me – I’m here. If you want to talk – I’m here. Email me. Call me. Text me. Not sure how to reach me but we’re friends? Then I am sure you can find a way to reach me. If we have a friendship, then I’m not ending the friendship; if we don’t have a friendship, then I am no longer pretending to be friends. I’m tired of seeing my ‘friends’ in a light that breaks my heart. Truth is – my own personal life can break my heart, and that’s all I can handle right now. If you need me, you can still find me – just not on Facebook.

Do you find all of this a little too dramatic? Yeah. I can see it. But, I like to write. I like to express my thoughts. And this is my blog, so it’s the perfect spot to write and express my thoughts, dramatically or not.

Black lives Matter.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
Peace.

Confronting the Fear and Discomfort and Moving Forward

~ Lenore Diane ~ 5 Comments

This post comes from an insecure kid who, at the age of 51, still finds herself seeking attention, approval, and acknowledgement from her family and friends. She wants everyone to agree with her, encourage her, and see her as doing the right thing. And when they don’t, she feels like a disregarded child.

This post comes from the same 51 year old woman who, simultaneously, is tired of having her insecurities prevent her from taking a stand, especially when she knows the stand is on the right side of history.

This post comes from a 51 year old who is worried about how her family will respond, worried about the division it will create, and worried about missing out on things, because she is deliberately choosing this path.

This 51 year old is me, and I am taking a stand on racism. I am on a journey to become an anti-racist. I am moving forward. And I acknowledge that my stance may tarnish some relationships.

::

I’m working through the book Me and White Supremacy by Layla F. Saad. In Part 1 of the book “Welcome to the work” (pertaining to combating racism), Layla states, “You will feel unrewarded because there will be nobody rushing to thank you for doing this work.”

To be clear, I don’t think any white person should be thanked for doing this work. We whites created the reason the work needs to be done in the first place. It’s our fault. We shouldn’t be thanked for cleaning up our own mess.

But what Layla doesn’t state is that in addition to folks not rushing to thank you, you will feel unrewarded because you will get the sense folks are rushing away from you. And, what she doesn’t state is that you risk missing out on things, because you may no longer be invited to or welcomed at gatherings. And, what she doesn’t state is that you may miss out on these things because you deliberately chose this path. (And that, my white friends, is an excellent example of white privilege; whites can choose – Blacks and other people of color cannot.)

Activism and attempting to bring people together can leave one feeling isolated and alone, and working to unite people can further divide people. When you choose to stand up, it’s scary and uncomfortable, but you can’t let that fear and discomfort prevent you from doing what is right.

I’m no longer comfortable having private conversations about racism in my head, thinking to myself that it’s good enough to just be aware of racism. I’m no longer comfortable having safe and easy conversations with others about racism and allowing myself to think that, just by having these safe and easy conversations, I am making a difference and bringing about change. I’m no longer comfortable pretending.

It’s taken over 50 years to get to this point. I’m here now, and I am am ready to actively and publicly cry out, stand up, and fight for Blacks and other people of color. And you know what? That’s shameful. It should not have taken me so long.

Now please excuse me. I need to make up for lost time, and I have some serious catching up to do.

Black Lives Matter.