Tag: Life

Stuck in a State of Pause

~ Lenore Diane ~ 4 Comments

Remember the shutdown of 2020 due to COVID-19? That’s a rhetorical question. I don’t think anyone will forget the shutdown. Admittedly, my husband and two kids didn’t mind the shutdown. The kids were fine playing on their computer, my husband was fine tinkering in the basement, and I was fine getting out and walking every day. It worked for us for the first several months. Gradually though, like most everyone else, we found ourselves in rut. The kids grew tired of playing on the computer, and I grew tired of walking every single day. (Notice I left my husband out, he will never grow tired of tinkering.)

In early 2020, before the true shutdown began, I was actively working full-time as an in-home pet sitter. I was very busy the first several months of the year, and when all travel stopped, I was grateful to be home with my family and sleep in my own bed. It was nice having free time again. It was nice seeing my family – all day every day. And, it was nice getting a chance to take myself for a walk vs. taking my clients’ pups for a walk. (I don’t poop on my walks, and I enjoyed not having to pick up any poop.)

As the year dragged on with the pandemic raging and people dying, I struggled to stay positive and motivated. I decided to create monthly challenges via Facebook, and I organized virtual happy hours and book clubs. I was motivated, and connections were made and friendships grew. And through it all, I gained a stronger awareness of social injustice and racism. I learned a great deal in 2020, and I grew a great deal in 2020. But, I left 2020 tired.

The monthly challenges I created to connect and motivate became tiring for me, as did the virtual book clubs and happy hours. I felt I was carrying these connections by myself. People were asking me to create new challenges to motivate themselves, but I didn’t see anyone stepping up to motivate me. I slowly slipped into a pity party for myself. It seemed to me that if I wasn’t doing the leading, it wasn’t going to get done; but, I was looking for new leaders. I was tired of leading. I wanted to be led. I wanted to be motivated by others, as I had motivated them. As I slipped further into my pity party, I walked away from creating challenges, organizing virtual book clubs and happy hours. I slipped into something similar to a deep depression.

It’s nearly the end of 2021, and I find myself still in the the hole I was in when I left 2020. It’s not depression; it’s a true lack of motivation. That’s not to say I don’t have any motivation. I still get out of bed. I still want to work. I still want to be with my family, make the bed, take the boys to school, etc. I still want to live. But, I’m not motivated to better myself. I’m not motivated to better others. That sounds horrible. It’s awful.

Looking back, 2020 seems like a year of nothing, because we were stuck at home for most of it. It’s not true though – so much happened. Still, the pause button was in place for so very long, and I am finding it very hard to get it unstuck. I’m trying to create challenges, again; I’m trying to connect with friends, again – in real life; but, it’s not working very well. I’m not walking consistently, and I’m not meeting my own challenges. I’m trying to find the motivation, but the motivation hasn’t returned in full.

Apparently my attempt to connect and stay motivated in 2020 depleted my fuel tank. It’s October 2021, and my fuel tank still seems depleted. It’s taking a very long time for me to get back into life. It’s taking me a very long time to want to care for myself and others. I still care, but the drive – the desire – the motivation . . . it’s not strong and it doesn’t last long. (It lasts about as long as my morning and afternoon caffeine fixes.) Am I the only one?

People are continuing to die from complications to COVID-19, as well as other diseases. How many of us made it through the pandemic but are still struggling to live again? Dying due to complications from any illness sucks, and there is literally no coming back from it. Being alive but not living due to complications from a tragedy or trauma is – well, it’s stupid. But, it’s where I am right now; and, I am trying hard to get unstuck in all aspects of the life I still have. Are you still stuck? Are you still trying to get unstuck? If so, I get it. And, I wish us luck in getting unstuck in this state of pause.

::

A Bit of Release Before Dramatically Letting Go

~ Lenore Diane ~ 4 Comments

My Mom is in the hospital. She was admitted to the hospital on Monday of this week with what turned out to be 3 broken/fractured vertebrae and an urinary tract infection. Having worked with physical therapists within the hospital, walked with assistance and support of a back brace, and her infection under control, my Mom was set to be released today and moved to a rehab facility for a “short stay”. Unfortunately, this morning we found out she had an increased heart rate, and they canceled the plans of moving her to the rehab facility today.

I share the above to give you an idea of my current mood. To be clearer, some of the emotions I am feeling include anger, anxiety, fear, frustration, sadness, and tiredness. And though my Mom’s current situation may be the catalyst for this post, my Mom’s current situation only added an intensity to the emotions I listed. I was feeling those emotions before my Mom was admitted to the hospital.

Generally speaking, I am an active Facebook user. I have a Facebook page that I manage for my pet sitting business, where I post pictures of my dog and cat clients (sometimes reptiles and amphibians clients, too). And, with regards to my personal Facebook page, I enjoy checking in with family, friends, and a few acquaintances, seeing what folks are posting, and sharing my own thoughts, pictures, etc.. For the past year, many of my posts have been about racism, because I am very passionate about the Black Lives Matter movement, and I am actively working to live an anti-racist life. However, for the past week or so, I’ve not checked in with others via Facebook, and I’ve not posted pictures, thoughts, and/or articles.

For the record, I’m not a Trump fan. I didn’t vote for him when he ran and won, and I hope he never returns to hold a political office. In my opinion, in all the years that I have used social media, it was the worst place to be last year, and I believe the negativity was fueled by Trump and his supporters. I unfriended many friends and family members, because I was tired of the conflicts and what I perceived as hate speech. While I was unfriending them via Facebook, I didn’t consider it an end to all of these friendships, because many of these friendships were created before Facebook existed. That said, if I didn’t feel a need to reach out and connect with them in real life, and they didn’t feel a need to reach out and connect with me in real life, was it really a friendship?

There was a cartoon popular a few years ago showing a picture of a funeral home, with just a few people attending a funeral. The caption on the cartoon was something along the lines of, “I was expecting a larger turnout, because she had over 2,000 Facebook friends.” I’m a person that takes friendships seriously, and I’m not saying I am alone in that regard. But as I unfriended many Facebook friends, I was slowly coming to the realization that what I really wanted wasn’t Facebook friends but friends in real life. That’s sad, eh? Because before social media, we had friends in real life. Right?

For the past few days, when things with my Mom seem to be improving, I found myself once again scrolling through my personal Facebook feed just about every day. I didn’t post anything, and I “liked” or “loved” very little. This morning, while I scrolled, I grew increasingly frustrated with the division that continues to exist within my feed and my world of Facebook friends: Dr. Seuss. Masks. Biden. Trump. Cancel culture. Rights. Freedom. Claims one “is not racist because”. Questions of whether or not “cancel culture” is uniting or dividing. I find it all so sad. And when one is already sad, it doesn’t make sense to surround one’s self with more sadness. Plus, it pisses the hell out of me that the majority of the people complaining about a cancel culture are white. (It doesn’t surprise me; it makes me mad.) Plus, plus – having *not* engaged in the dialogue, the urge to engage has diminished. (I consider that diminish a blessing.)

I don’t know that my desire to become active again on Facebook will return. I will continue to update my business page, and when I write something for my blog – like today – I will share it on my personal page. But other than that? I’m out. No more “likes”. No more “loves”. No more engaging in posts. I think it’s time I get back to my writing, which is a better way for me to express and share my passions without getting bogged down by the distractions that fill one’s Facebook feed. And, I want to get back to more meaningful discussions with the people I interact with outside of Facebook. If you happen to be reading this and you are one of my Facebook friends, then the following message is for you.

If you need me – I’m here. If you want to talk – I’m here. Email me. Call me. Text me. Not sure how to reach me but we’re friends? Then I am sure you can find a way to reach me. If we have a friendship, then I’m not ending the friendship; if we don’t have a friendship, then I am no longer pretending to be friends. I’m tired of seeing my ‘friends’ in a light that breaks my heart. Truth is – my own personal life can break my heart, and that’s all I can handle right now. If you need me, you can still find me – just not on Facebook.

Do you find all of this a little too dramatic? Yeah. I can see it. But, I like to write. I like to express my thoughts. And this is my blog, so it’s the perfect spot to write and express my thoughts, dramatically or not.

Black lives Matter.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
Peace.

Pardon me while I pat myself on the back.

~ Lenore Diane ~ 6 Comments
On January 8, 2017, I made the decision to change my lifestyle. No, this isn’t some coming out notice or anything along those lines. The lifestyle change I am referring to is weight loss and weight loss maintenance. When I stepped on the scale the morning of January 8 and read the numbers “167.5”, I had the realization that 170 was becoming a future reality for me. I did not want that reality, and I made the decision to get as far away from 170 as possible. I immediately set a goal: I will get to 155.0 by March 1.

The first step I took was not eating past 7pm. In fact, I made sure I brushed my teeth between 7:00 and 7:30 to ensure I didn’t eat. I realize that may sound odd, but for me, once I brush my teeth, my desire to eat diminishes.

The second step I took, simultaneously with step 1, was weighing myself every day at the same time of day (morning) and writing the weight on the mirror (every day). Seeing the number kept me focused and motivated – even when the weight didn’t drop and/or increased a bit.

The third step I took came into play after my husband, Rob, had to go on meds to address his high blood pressure. In an effort to help the meds better improve a change in his blood pressure, we decided to join a gym and exercise on a regular basis. Around February 11th, we joined Anytime Fitness.

I had not exercised for years. Someone once told me they were on an exercise hiatus. I thought that was hysterical, and I started telling people the same thing.

Since joining Anytime Fitness in February, Rob and I have been exercising regularly – at least six days a week, and with my hard work and commitment, I made my goal on March 1st, weighing in at 155.0.

Once I hit 155, I wondered if I could drop to 150.

I decided to extend my workout a little longer and push a little harder, to continue weighing myself daily and writing down the number, and to continue eating a healthy diet. By the middle of April my weight was 147.0, and this morning – my weight was 145.5.

Today I had my annual physical, and for the first time in over 15yrs, the doctor’s scale was below 150. I was elated. In fact, I was beyond elated, because the scale showed a weight of 147, and I was fully dressed, with shoes, and it was 1:15 pm in the afternoon.

But “weight” there’s more.

Last year, my doctor wanted me to take an iron and a vitamin D supplement, because I was anemic and had low vitamin D levels. I did as I was told for a few weeks, but I slowly got out of the habit. However, when I began this lifestyle change, I started taking a Flintstones chew-able multivitamin. (Yep, Flintstones. Yep, the same multivitamin my boys take.) I wasn’t 100% certain the multi-vitamin would have enough iron and vitamin D for me, but I figured it was better than nothing. Plus, it’s way more fun to hang out with the Flintstones than it is to hang out with One-A-Day.

Today, along with being elated about my weight, I was elated to find out my blood-work was excellent. The results of the blood-work impressed my doctor greatly, and she said it’s the best numbers she’s seen [in all her patients] in years. My iron and vitamin D levels are smack-dab in the middle of normal. And my normally low blood pressure? It’s lower, too at 102/60. (Previous normal low was @ 110/70.)

I am pleased with myself. I started this new lifestyle, and I set it up in a way that I know I can continue living it. I’m making this lifestyle a priority in my life, and I make sure there is time for it. It’s not always easy, and I don’t always look forward to going to the gym, but the positive results I’ve gained continue to motivate me. I look good. I feel good. And, I am stronger. Plus, like many of you, I kept my old clothes, hoping to fit in them again one day. Well, 15yrs and 20 lbs later, that “one day” is here! And, lucky for me, my fashion sense has always been lacking, so my lack of style 15yrs ago is still as [not] happening as it was then. #winning

As they say, “That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!” I made a lifestyle change, and I am happily living it out. Good job, Lenore. Well done!

Lenore and Claire
My 48yr old self with my 24yr old friend/coworker. We look like we just walked off a college campus, right? Well, one of us does.

.::.

Afterward
I was losing weight without exercising, by simply not eating after 7pm. The weight-loss was slow but steady. When I added the exercise, the pace of the weight-loss increased, but it was still a seemingly slow process. Being patient and letting the weight come off gradually was hard, but I kept going, because I wanted to meet the goal. One doesn’t gain weight overnight – so one can’t expect to lose weight overnight.

I am married, have two kids, two dogs, and two cats. Both my husband and I work full-time. We pay a total of $60 a month for our gym membership. Monday – Friday, Rob and I typically go to the gym after dinner. On Saturdays and Sundays, Rob and I will go to the gym in the morning. Adding a structured exercise program doesn’t make it an easy lifestyle for us, but the benefits outweigh the challenges.