I am neither a doctor nor a therapist, yet people come to me with questions all the time. I can only assume the reason people believe I am full of wisdom is because of my excellent taste in ice cream. Only the best ice cream is good enough for me, and I am a firm believer that life is better with a pint of Vermont’s Finest, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
Inundated with questions, I decided it was high time I shared my wisdom with those seeking it. May these words of wisdom help improve your life.
The first questions come from Robin in GA. She goes deep by asking, “Of what are you most ashamed and what is the meaning of life?”
Frankly Robin, I’m most ashamed of the fact that you do not already know the answer to this question. Do not worry. I am sure it scarred you.
Once, when I came to visit you, I brought along a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Butter World. The milk chocolate ice cream with peanut buttery swirls and chocolate cookie swirls blew my mind. It would have blown your mind, too, had I shared that pint with you, but I didn’t share. And for that, I am ashamed.
I’ll come back to your other question later.
The second question comes from Tiffany in GA. She writes, “Every time I drink something hot, I get a sharp pain in my eye. Should I take the spoon out first?”
Tiffany, I appreciate your sense of humor. Humor is often used to mask the pain we feel when we are hurt or embarrassed. I suppose you are feeling one of those two things, eh? It’s okay. It happens to the best of us, so I’ve heard.
My advice to you is simple, though it requires more than just giving up hot drinks. What you need to do is put your cups away, but keep your spoon. Head down to your local grocer or supermarket and pick up at least one of various pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
Two flavors I recommend include Coffee Carmel Buzz and Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. The first is a coffee malt ice cream with whiskey caramel swirls and English toffee pieces, and the second is coffee ice cream with chunks of Heath bar.
By giving up hot drinks and taking up pints of Ben & Jerry’s, you and your eyes will thank me. You’re welcome.
Another question I received came from Kim in CA. Though she claimed to be a know-it-all, she still posed a question. “What if I have no questions, because I am a know-it-all?”
Well Kim, if you have to ask, you are not a know-it-all. Don’t beat yourself up over that fact, though. I’m here to help. I’ve heard many people experience moments when they believe they are the smartest person on the face of the earth. Though alcohol seems to be a common denominator when these people claim to be the smartest, it is not always the cause. Sometimes, claiming to know it all comes from a severe calcium deficiency.
My suggestion to you is that you set aside 30 minutes once or twice a week to just let yourself sit and enjoy a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy. Let the chocolate ice cream with chocolate cookies and swirls of chocolate pudding ice cream take you to a place where questions remain unanswered and ignorance is bliss.
Speaking of ignorance, the next question was sent to me by Mike S of IL. “If parallel universes do exist, are our roles the same?”
Seriously, Mike? I am answering that very question in our parallel universe right now.
“….that time then and once again, I’m bouncing round the room; that time then and once again, I’m bouncing round the room; and I awoke, faintly bouncing round the room, the echo of whomever spoke … that time then and once again, I’m bouncing round the room … and I awoke, faintly bouncing round the room the echo of whomever spoke and I awoke…that time then and once again, I’m bouncing round the room…”*
Whoa. Sorry about zoning off there for minute. Seems I was channeling the rock group, Phish. Their music is universal. Coincidentally, there is a Ben & Jerry ice cream flavor named in honor of the band, and it is called Phish Food. Your mind will bounce around the parallel universes when you indulge in this chocolate ice cream with gooey marshmallow swirls, caramel swirls, and fudge fish.
Mike went on to ask about football, kicks, and speed. He posed the question/problem, a football is kicked at a 50 degree angle to the horizontal, travels a horizontal distance of 20m before hitting the ground, what is the initial speed?
With all due respect, Mike, I’m too cute to do math. Thankfully, my friend Stephen Colbert said he would get with you offline to discuss this question. In the meantime, you may want to try Colbert’s special Ben & Jerry’s flavor, Americone Dream. This dreamy, creamy, dairy delight consists of vanilla ice cream with fudge covered waffle cone pieces and a caramel swirl. Whatever the mathematical problem, Americone Dream is the formula of perfection.
The next question comes from Andrea HT in FL. I received her question on Friday, and she asked, “What do I do so that my Friday does not feel like a Monday?”
Your question reminds me of The Grateful Dead and their song, “Truckin’”. I find I am drawn to the specific line in the song, “Hang it up and see what tomorrow brings.” However, I am not a quitter, and I would not advise anyone to just give up.
Thankfully, due to my wisdom, thinking of The Grateful Dead reminds me of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, made in honor of Jerry Garcia. So Andrea HT, my advice to you is to pick up a pint of Cherry Garcia, and let the cherry ice cream with cherries and fudge flakes take over your senses to the point that it doesn’t matter the day of the week. Remember, days are better with a pint of Vermont’s Finest.
Now let’s turn our attention to Amy of GA, who is very observant. Amy asked, “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”
Yes! That is to say, I am glad to see you, and you do see a banana in my pocket. I carry a banana in my pocket every day, taking it with me wherever I go. Should someone offer me a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey or Banana Split, I’m prepared to add a bit more ‘yum’ to the mix.
Though Chunky Monkey’s mix of banana ice cream with fudge chunks and walnuts tastes great on its own, the added banana makes the experience last a wee bit longer. The same holds true for the banana and strawberry ice cream with walnuts, fudge chunks, and a fudge swirl that makes up Ben and Jerry’s Banana Split.
Amy, start carrying a banana in your pocket.
The last couple of questions come from Carol C. in GA and Lisa M. in TX. Carol asked, “Why are you answering questions?” Lisa seemed to piggy back off Carol’s question, though cutting to the chase by simply asking, “Why?”
Of course, I shouldn’t immediately assume Carol’s question and Lisa’s question are one in the same. That would be one half-baked conclusion.
No, I’m leaving the half-baked ideas and conclusions to Ben & Jerry and their Half Baked flavor ice cream, which consists of chocolate and vanilla ice creams with fudge brownies and gobs of chocolate chip cookie dough. Mmmm… fudge brownies and chocolate chip cookie dough. Why ask why?
Oh, and back to the second part of the very first question asked by Robin in GA. Remember, she wondered, “What is the meaning of life?”
Robin, that’s easy. The meaning of life is ‘42’. With over 42 different flavors of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream from which to choose, one must experience and share that experience with 42 other people.
Life is better with a pint of Vermont’s finest, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. Grab yourself some pints, share with the world, and see how much brighter you find your tomorrow.
* Lyrics from the song “Bouncing Round the Room” by Phish.
I am not the only one highlighting the fact that life is better with a pint of Vermont’s finest. I encourage you to check out these other bloggers, enlightening the world with their own take on goodness that is Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.