Mr. Man will not deter me today

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If you read my post from yesterday, you know my plan was thwarted due to Mr. Man informing me that ‘no cameras were allowed‘. Well, even though Mr. Man literally sits at the little round table in front of me (no, I’m not kidding), I am not going to be deterred. I will write a post about my bestest blogging buddies.

Mr. Man, you will not sidetrack me. Though you sit across from me, and you are probably trying to hack into my laptop, ensuring all camera programs are disconnected and all picture files are deleted, I will still write. You cannot keep me silent.

You may have the ability to place a lens cap on my photos, but you cannot put a lens cap on my voice. Oh no, Mr. Man, I still have my voice. And today – today I am going to use my voice. Watch me, Mr. Man. Watch me, and listen to me. Oh, and smile for the camera. *click* Continue reading

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To my Blogary I write

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Dear Blogary,

I am in a funk. I’m not sure how it happened. Perhaps life has been moving too quickly, lately. Perhaps I’ve not invested enough time in sleep. Perhaps I’ve invested too much time in sleep. Unsure of the reasons why, I find myself in a funk. And Blogary, what follows may cost me some subscribers.

I was one of the millions who tuned in to the Royal Wedding today. I enjoyed shutting out the craziness of our current crises and losing myself in the magical enchantment of a Prince marrying a soon to be Princess. I remember when this Prince was a baby. He’s grown, and I believe his mother would be proud. I hope this marriage survives the scrutiny that will surround it. I hope Prince William inherited his mother’s resilience. I believe Kate shares Lady Diana’s better qualities. Continue reading

Documentation

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FYI: In case you are following my journey, know that this post is unrelated to my journey posts.

This is a post about what I realize is one of the many reasons I write: Alzheimer’s disease. Well, I’m not writing about Alzheimer’s, rather I am writing about why I want to document my thoughts and experiences about life. In the future, should I be diagnosed with a memory stealing disease like Alzheimer’s, I want my kids to know what I thought about friends, family and life. I want my kids to know I loved them. (And, I’m okay with them finding out what annoyed me.)

I started writing this post several weeks ago. I was inspired by at story I watched on CBS Sunday Morning, ‘Jan’s Story‘. Because I was afraid many would find the post too depressing, I held off making it public. However, because of some news I received today, I have decided to publish this post.

What news did I receive, you ask? I know, you didn’t ask, but I am going to share some of it with you, nonetheless. A friend of my nephew was murdered yesterday. Her life was taken away by her Mom, who then turned the gun on herself. My nephew is grieving. This 19yr old was murdered by her Mom, and then her Mom committed suicide. Her Mom committed suicide. Suicide.

Me and my favorite guys - the ones I love the most.

I’ve considered suicide. I have seriously considered suicide. I’ve planned suicide. I know what it is like to be in the black hole that is all encompassing. I know what it feels like to believe wholeheartedly there is no way out but death. And, by the grace of God (and the support of friends and family), I held on to my life; I found my way out of the black hole.

Because I am alive today, I can look back and recall very recent memories of laughing fits that left me with a belly ache. I can recall recent warm fuzzies where Joe and Charlie gave me ‘around the neck’ hugs. And, I can remember many nights this Summer, helping Joe and Charlie catch fireflies. These precious moments were inconceivable to me, while in the depths of despair; but, because I faced the black hole, I was left to live in the light.

As I type, my youngest has a pillow propped up on my arm, and he is lying beside me watching a movie. Soon, I am going to give both him and his brother a bubble bath. We are together, and I am thankful I am still here to be with them.

I want my kids to know the good the bad and the ugly in life. I want them to know when they experience moments, hours, days or weeks that suck, there are more moments, hours, days and weeks that don’t suck. I want them to know that just because you yell at someone at the top of your lungs, it doesn’t wipe away the intense love you feel for the person. And, in case I am not around, mentally, to tell them my take on all of the above, they can read about my thoughts and experiences.

Regardless of how it happens, death will find me. However, death will not find me by my own hand. Suicide is not the answer. Suicide is not the answer. Suicide is not the answer. Yes. Sometimes it is pitch black. Sometimes death seems the only way out. I get that. I completely get that. But it is wrong. Death is not the only way out. It is not. Someone will lend you a hand. Someone will hold your hand as long as it takes and as often as it takes to keep you going. Just reach out. I will hold your hand. Even though I don’t know you.

Do not commit suicide. You will hurt more people by leaving than you will by staying. Killing yourself will do more harm than good. Suicide is a cruel and selfish act. You are not cruel. You are not selfish. Do not do it.

Going back to Alzheimer’s, my hope is that I recognize and don’t forget who my loved ones are as death approaches. But, just in case, Joe and Charlie, whether or not I remember your face, your name or your role in my life, I don’t want you to ever forget that I love you. You will always be in my heart, even if my head forgets.

P.S. Remember Joe and Charlie, do NOT commit suicide. Reach out. A hand will be extended and willing to help.

Wondering and getting side tracked

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This blog was written down on paper before coming to you via the world wide web. I wonder how many writers still take pen to paper vs. hitting the keyboard straightaway. I also wonder what makes a writer a good writer. And, I wonder what station is playing in the background of this coffee house. I have the power to address one of the wonders with accuracy, but the question becomes – will I ask for the information?

I love this coffee house. Each time I have been here, the same two guys have been working. One guy reminds me of [a younger] Brian Vander Ark, from The Verve Pipe. The other guy reminds me of a slightly older version of the guy from the sitcom The Middle, Axl, played by Charlie McDermott.

If I were younger (and single), I’d definitely be interested in chatting with them in an effort to get to know them better. As it is, I am content with the typical banter that flows with ordering a cup of coffee and a veggie & hummus sandwich. I also enjoy watching the one or two particular girls that seem to frequent this place, too. One of the usual ‘Janes’ is here tonight, sitting at the coffee bar counter. She’s enjoying the attention of both guys without having to share with the other girl.

As I eavesdrop, I flash back to the days when I lived in Rockville, MD. I stumbled upon a small restaurant/bar called, Hard Times Cafe. I don’t remember, for certain, who introduced the place to me, all I remember is the guys behind the bar had me at ‘hello’. I love the look of long hair on guys. Please. I am not talking Kid Rock kind of long hair, or Billy Ray Cyrus kind of hair. I am talking Daniel Day Lewis, ‘Last of the Mohicans’ hair. [Yes, I know it was probably hair extensions; still, a girl can dream, and dream this girl did.] Anyway, the bartenders/cooks at Hard Times Cafe had long hair and looks to match. Oh, and did I mention they were in a band? Color me happy, and color me a frequent Hard Times Cafe stalker, er, customer.

I went to Hard Times Cafe as often as possible, when I lived in the area. My girlfriend and I often stayed until they closed and hung out with the staff after hours. Aside: The Brian Vander Ark lookalike just asked “Jane” if she wanted to step outside with him. Newsflash: She said yes. Big shock.

While living in Rockville, I continued stalking, er hanging out with the crew from Hard Times. My friend and I even traveled to VA (Fairfax, I think) to hear the band play a few times. I have one of the tapes from RISE, perhaps their only tape. And, I had the band’s bumper sticker on the back of my car. By the way, that is the only bumper sticker I have ever had on the back of any of my cars. Ever.

Oh, if you are scratching your head with my tape reference – well, tapes were used to listen to music back in the 90s and earlier. I am guessing you’d be hard pressed to find tapes nowadays, let alone a cassette player for which to play the tape. The music I am listening to in this coffee house is streaming through Pandora. No cassette or cassette player required!

Back to my wondering what station was playing in this coffee house. I did ask the ‘Axl’ lookalike about the Pandora station. Clearly, I am super hip, because when he told me, I responded in question, “The Ships”? Thankfully, he didn’t laugh in my face, though I also knew he wasn’t going to be asking for my phone number. “No, ‘The Shins’,” he said. “Shins with an ‘n’,” he clarified.

Hello. My name is Lenore; I am inĀ  my 40s, and it is apparent I am not up on today’s music, even when the band is 10yrs old. However, I’m hip enough to like today’s music, at least along the lines of The Shins and their current hits. At least, I think they have current hits. And, yes, I have added The Shins to my Pandora list of stations. Who knows, ‘Axl’ or ‘Brian’ may ask me to join them outside next time I hit the coffee house. Remember, a girl can dream.

Cacy’s Creations: Brenda’s Break

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Hello. My name is Cacy. I am a chronic people watcher. When I am in a public place, my friends often have to repeat themselves, because I am too busy watching people. I suppose it is annoying to those trying to tell me something. But, I quite enjoy it. And, I quite enjoy my creations, Cacy’s Creations.

Today is Tuesday, and I am meeting a friend at a local cafe. I arrived early, so I could get my fill of people watching. I don’t want to appear too rude to my friend, though she no doubt expects me to pay little attention to what she has to say. I suggested we just visit at home – either hers or mine – but she wanted coffee. Apparently, neither one of us are good coffee makers. Continue reading