What am I doing? I’m so confused.
In 2010, I started this blog to write out and explore my thoughts and feelings related to my marriage and my life. I hoped readers would relate to my stories, and I hoped I would start conversations.
Mid-2011, I began exploring flash fiction. I tapped into my alter egos (the many voices within) and created various stories inspired the group. I started taking part in writing challenges offered by other bloggers. And, I took part in Blogdramedy’s 12 days of BlogFestivus, which I enjoyed greatly.
I liked flexing my fiction-writing muscles; rather, I liked building my fiction-writing muscles. Plus, I enjoyed the challenge of competing with fellow bloggers. I have a competitive spirit, and I like putting myself out there and having my work judged by my peers.
At the start of 2012, I decided I would commit to posting a new picture every day throughout the entire year. I got the idea from Stasha, who fascinates me with her photos.
So began the journey to many places, Monday Menagerie, Monday Listicles, Tuesday Tales, Thursday Threads… and photos.
Before the writing challenges and competitions, before committing to a new photo every day, before all of that stuff, I had a nice blogging routine. I wrote on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Mondays and Wednesdays consisted of lingering thoughts on the life and times of me, and Fridays were reserved for fun things like poetry, a compilation of stories and drabbles (very short stories of exactly 100 words).
Influenced by the styles of others, I changed my course. And now … now I am lost.
I admit I have chameleon-like tendencies. That is to say, I try to blend in with the crowd by changing and conforming to my environment. Sometimes the changes are genuine and sometimes the changes are simply to appease and appear like the others.
Curiosity is what fuels my changes. Within the blogosphere, my curiosity explodes, and I find myself trying to be like the published writer sponsoring weekly flash fiction contests. I try to capture the perfect photograph, just like the working professionals. I try playing with exactly 100 words, in hopes of telling a tale as wonderfully as the person who introduced me to drabbles.
As I attempt to be like others, I lose myself. The inspiration wanes, and the writing lessens.
What am I doing?!
Last week I asked the question, “Do I know you?” Turns out, I need to ask myself that question. Do I know me? If I directed that question to a Magic 8-Ball, I am fairly certain the response I would get is “My sources say No.”
While trying to keep up with the rest of the blogosphere, I lost my shtick.
While trying to wear the hats of others, I misplaced my own hats.
While listening to the voices of others, I ignored my own voices.
You may or may not be old enough to remember Bill Bixby and his role in the television show The Incredible Hulk. Day to day, Bill’s character was a mild mannered scientist. During an unfortunate accident, his character’s life changed dramatically. When life was going smoothly, his character was able to maintain self-control, but if someone made him angry … Well, Bill’s character was often heard saying, “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I am angry.”
I could say the same for the voices in my head when I ignore them for too long. “Lenore,” they say. “Don’t ignore us, because it makes us angry. You wouldn’t like it if we were angry.”
As crazy as it sounds, the various hats I have picked up these past several months came with new voices, voices I did not recognize and voices that were not indicative of my core. These new voices began clashing with the original voices and chaos reigned.
I needed to be committed help.
I was not surprised when help came in the form of my voices – my original voices. After several conversations with me, myself, and me, I decided to go back to my own place, a place where I babble, ramble and rant. Thankfully, I’ve learned a lesson or five while exploring the paths of others, and I realize the importance of posts having a clear beginning, middle and end. So, with that in mind, I hope to corral my voices and babble, ramble, and rant with a purpose.
If you were not afraid before today, you should be afraid now. My voices have spoken, and I am no longer confused. I know exactly what I am doing.