Friday, November 15, 2023 is a day I will not soon forget. It was “early action” decision day for in-state residents to find out whether or not they were accepted to the University of Georgia (UGA), Class of 2028. That is significant, because my younger son was within that pool of in-state residents waiting to hear if he had been accepted. And, it was the night Rob and I met some friends at a local brewery.

The excitement started early in the afternoon, in part because my friend’s husband was returning from a business trip. His flight came in early, and he was headed to the brewery straight from the airport. My friend and I ducked out of our jobs just before 3:00, and we rode together to the brewery. Rob was going to join us a little later, because he had to work a little longer.

The weather forecast for the day was rainy, but the rain was nowhere to be seen, and it was a great day to be outside. It was a nerve-wracking week for me, as I was waiting to hear if my son was going to be accepted into UGA, so I was very much enjoying the time outside, relaxing with friends. By the time Rob joined us, I was ready for my second beer. His timing was perfect!

After a couple of hours, our friends were getting ready to head home. Rob and I decided to linger and enjoy another beer. Shortly after our friends left, two people approached us and asked if they could take two of our chairs. We said they could either take the chairs or join us, whatever they preferred, and they joined us. They were brother and sister, and the brother was visiting from out of state, I believe. They were super nice, and it was really nice talking with them.

Until it wasn’t.

I remember feeling a little weird. I was getting really dizzy, and I could not really hear what our new friends were saying. I was having to really focus. I tried to played it off, though, because if I was drunk – I didn’t want it to show. I was on my fourth beer, which does not normally cause this kind of effect. True, I had not eaten much all day, and the beer was a cider- not my usual drink. Still, this was unusual, and I could tell I was losing control.

It was around 8:00 p.m., I looked at Rob and worked very hard to say, “I’m drunk. I don’t think I can walk, and we need to go home. Now.

I pretty much let him take it from there. I don’t know what he said to the new ‘friends’, but I don’t recall saying anything. I think I got myself up, but I clung to Rob, as we walked to his car. (Thankfully, the car was really close to where we were sitting.)

As soon as we were in the car, I said, “I’m drunk. Like I am way drunk.” The entire drive home, I repeated that I was drunk, way drunk. And, I grew increasingly upset. Our boys were home. I did not want them to see me like this. I did not think I would be able to walk up the stairs when we got home. I certainly would not be graceful or quiet. I was so upset – sad, mad, etc. I was yelling and crying. I am old enough to know better.

Rob pulled into the driveway, and as soon as he parked the car, I opened the passenger door, leaned out, and vomited. The only thing in my body was the beer, and it was making its exit.

I was miserable, and I was a crazy mess. I told Rob that I needed help, and he needed to take care of me. I told him I needed food, and I was not going to go upstairs until the morning. I told him that I was going to spend the night in the car, because I did not want the boys to see me. I was yelling at him for not reacting and jumping to care for me. Again, I was a crazy mess.

We had been in the car for about 10 minutes, and I called my friend in Maryland. As soon as she answered I told her that I was drunk – way drunk. I told her that I threw up. I told her that I was probably going to die. I told her I did not want my kids to see me like this. And I told her that Rob didn’t know how to take care of me. She laughed. And, I was grateful.

She has witnessed my (non-alcohol triggered) craziness many times, and she has always been there. So, she listened – and she laughed. And when I told her that she needed to talk to Rob and tell him how to take care of me, she did. Well, I assume she did – I handed the phone to Rob, and he got out of the car to talk to her. For all I know, they talked about the weather. Looking back at my phone history for that day, I called my friend at 8:42 pm, and the phone call continued for 24 minutes and 10 seconds.

Rob brought me crackers, water, a pillow, and a blanket. He knew I was not going to go upstairs, and he sat with me for a long time. I eventually fell asleep passed out. I woke up around midnight, and I quietly snuck upstairs and went to bed.

It is safe to say that I spent the bulk of the following day in bed. My friend from MD called me in the afternoon, to see how I was doing. Again, she laughed. And, again, I was so appreciative of her support. There was absolutely no judgement – just support. Like always.

Before my friend called, I did manage to get out of bed and take myself to a pop-up Hot Chocolate Stand, which was set up to support a friend who is battling stage-four cancer. I sure as hell was not going to let a self-induced hangover stop me from supporting someone who was battling something way more serious than overindulgence.

I wonder if her battle is part of the reason that I decided to stop drinking alcohol. I do think it played a role in my decision, but it was not the main reason. It is official, though. I will not have another alcoholic beverage. November 15, 2023 was the last time I drank alcohol. I am done.

*

Alcoholism runs in my family. I did a quick search of previous blog posts, and I realize that I have not written about that topic. The fact that I have not written about it surprises me. It played a role in my upbringing. My Dad was an alcoholic, and I believe I am an alcoholic. I certainly have addictive tendencies, though I have always said it was around food not alcohol. I do not drink every day, and I do not drink at home, unless we are having a party. (We have not had any parties since before COVID.) I only drink when I am in a social setting, and prior to November 15, I have been in social settings when I did not drink.

The thing is – when I do drink, I am obsessed with it. If I know I am going to be drinking, I start planning before I even open or order the first beer. As I got older – as in post-kids – I told myself I could not have more than two beers. I would tell people that I did not want to deal with the headache, and I knew a headache would be waiting for me the next morning if I had more than two beers. However, if I was having a good time, I would let myself have one more – maybe as many as four. For the most part, I was able to limit myself. But I was always counting. While I told myself I was trying to avoid a hangover, I was basically obsessing about having to find a stopping point and not necessarily wanting to stop.

Sometimes, while out with Rob, I would rationalize with him. “Rob,” I would say. “I’m having a really good time. I’ve already had two beers, but I really want a third, and I may even want a fourth.” And he was fine with whatever choice I made. But it was not about whether he was fine with it, because it was more of a dance that I was doing with myself.

While I was saying these things to him, I was not really talking to him. Conversations like the example above were not real conversations, per se. It was merely me, talking to myself out loud, acknowledging that – while I should stop – I was not going to stop. I got to a point where I did not want to stop – I could not stop.

I even tried to control Rob’s drinking in an effort to control mine. If we were going to a family function, I would pack a limited number of beers, and I would tell him that I packed enough for each of us to have two, or three, or whatever the number was that sounded satisfactory to me. Rather than deal with my own addiction issues, I would set limits for Rob.

I have done that for years. Years. And, just like I count my beers, I would count how many beers Rob had. And, if I am being honest, and I am being honest. It has never been about Rob and his drinking. He was merely a distraction from myself. It was always about my drinking.

As I mentioned in a recent post, my older son is in college now. He is in the midst of his first year. I do not know if he drinks alcohol. I do not think he does. I do not even know if he has ever tried it. The same is true for my younger son, who starts college next year. I do not think he drinks alcohol, and I do not think he has tried alcohol. You may think that is naïve of me, that every child has tried alcohol by the time s/he gets to college, but I disagree. I know people who have never had alcohol.

Both of my boys know alcoholism runs in the family. Both know the troubles alcohol can cause. And, I hope their knowledge is helping them make good choices. I also hope my choice to stop drinking will add to their knowledge that sometimes alcoholism can be hidden.

Sometimes the struggles of alcoholism go unseen, because it is a battle taking place in the person’s mind rather than outwardly and noticeably to others. I do not know if anyone looked at me and thought, “She is an alcoholic.” But I am. Again, if I am being honest, and I am being honest, I am an alcoholic. But I am no longer drinking alcohol. As I said earlier, I decided to quit the night of November 15, 2023.

I am very happy to say that I have gone out several times since November 15, and I have really enjoyed the fact that I knew I would not be drinking. It may sound counterintuitive, but the pressure is off. I do not have to obsess or worry – I do not have to count – I just do not drink alcohol. And, as an added bonus, aside from the restful sleep and hangover-free mornings, for someone who hates math as much as I hate math, it is nice not having to do any addition while being out and being social. It is nice to just go out, be social, and have a genuinely good time.

Cheers!

**

Full disclosure. I attended a Christmas dinner with some new friends on December 16. Some sort of homemade German “wine” was being offered to everyone. I took a cup of it, took one sip of it with the group, and then – when no one was looking, I dumped it out into the sink, and I refilled the cup with water. Because it was a new group of friends, I did not feel comfortable saying ‘no’ when everyone else was doing it. But I knew I was not going to drink it. And going forward, I will feel comfortable saying ‘no’ in all situations, regardless of the group. I certainly felt comfortable the rest of the night, not drinking anything but water and politely declining any ‘additional’ alcoholic beverages offered to me.