If you have not read the two prior posts (My Story :: Prologue and My Story :: Two Nights), you should go back and read the previous posts first. This is the epilogue. This is the post where I tell you I am “OK”.
The experiences I had were awful. If I let myself think about the incidents for too long, the tears will return, as will the knot and the sick feeling in my stomach.
The first assault is the one that bothers me the most. In my opinion, his assault was more intrusive and invasive than intercourse. I was pinned down. Once he was on my face, I could not move my head left, right, up, or down. I moved my legs, but my legs did not free me. He forced himself in my mouth, and he remained there until he finished what he started.
He got to me, and he haunts me the most. I had never seen a penis before this guy! What the hell? I hate – hate – how he took away the innocent and trusting person that lived inside of me. I hate – hate – how he changed my view of sex forever.
I did not report either incident, and I regret that fact. I remember the first name of the first guy, but I haven’t a clue the name of the other guy, and these many years later, I would not be able to identify either one in a line-up.
There is not a doubt in my mind that the person I was prior to these incidents is not the person I am today. Still, I have had 20yrs to get to know this person, and she is growing on me. She still laughs hard, she just trusts a little less. She still likes adventure, she just feels more comfortable at home.
I have said, “I wish it never happened,” but now – now that I am married and have two awesome kids, I have stopped saying I wish it never happened. Because, if it didn’t happen, would I have Rob? Would I have Joe and Charlie? How could it be better than Rob, Joe and Charlie?
Seriously, I thank God that I met Rob. He is the perfect match for me when it comes to my quirks, insecurities, and issues that were more than likely caused (or magnified) by the past experiences.
So, although those guys definitely took something from me and left me broken, I got my hands on some duct tape and put myself back together. I have so much more than I did before the crap, and for that – I am thankful. I am OK.
Thank you for reading my words. I appreciate your support. If you can relate to my words, my heart goes out to you. Please know, you survived. You are OK.