My Story :: Epilogue

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If you have not read the two prior posts (My Story :: Prologue and My Story :: Two Nights), you should go back and read the previous posts first. This is the epilogue. This is the post where I tell you I am “OK”.

The experiences I had were awful. If I let myself think about the incidents for too long, the tears will return, as will the knot and the sick feeling in my stomach.

The first assault is the one that bothers me the most. In my opinion, his assault was more intrusive and invasive than intercourse. I was pinned down. Once he was on my face, I could not move my head left, right, up, or down. I moved my legs, but my legs did not free me. He forced himself in my mouth, and he remained there until he finished what he started.

He got to me, and he haunts me the most. I had never seen a penis before this guy! What the hell? I hate – hate – how he took away the innocent and trusting person that lived inside of me. I hate – hate – how he changed my view of sex forever.

I did not report either incident, and I regret that fact. I remember the first name of the first guy, but I haven’t a clue the name of the other guy, and these many years later, I would not be able to identify either one in a line-up.

There is not a doubt in my mind that the person I was prior to these incidents is not the person I am today. Still, I have had 20yrs to get to know this person, and she is growing on me. She still laughs hard, she just trusts a little less. She still likes adventure, she just feels more comfortable at home.

I have said, “I wish it never happened,” but now – now that I am married and have two awesome kids, I have stopped saying I wish it never happened. Because, if it didn’t happen, would I have Rob? Would I have Joe and Charlie? How could it be better than Rob, Joe and Charlie?

Seriously, I thank God that I met Rob. He is the perfect match for me when it comes to my quirks, insecurities, and issues that were more than likely caused (or magnified) by the past experiences.

So, although those guys definitely took something from me and left me broken, I got my hands on some duct tape and put myself back together. I have so much more than I did before the crap, and for that – I am thankful. I am OK.

.:.

Thank you for reading my words. I appreciate your support. If you can relate to my words, my heart goes out to you. Please know, you survived. You are OK.

.::.

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34 thoughts on “My Story :: Epilogue

  1. I can’t even imagine what you’ve gone through, Lenore. I am so happy that you have found Rob and the blessings that are him and your boys. This is what you truly deserve. I thank God every day I have Jim in my life, a sweet, sensitive and loving man. Proof that there are good men out there. I have to say your story and others I’ve heard over the years makes me so scared for my daughter when she grows up.

    • The fact that my friend’s daughter was raped was the very reason I decided to come forward with my story. I hate that it continues to happen. I will certainly do my best to raise boys that are respectful of women and understand the word ‘no’. Their Dad is certainly a wonderful example of honorable.
      Thanks for reading, Darla. I appreciate it.

  2. Your story breaks my heart, Lenore. As victims, our torment will follow us to the last breath.

    Still, you have fought the good fight and risen above the evil.

    Many hugs and blessings – Maxi

  3. Oh friend, I agree with you that it was horrific but you got through it and it’s part of who you are today, with your family. That is EXACTLY why I may bitch and moan about stuff and I am disappointed and angry and saddened but it all got me here with my family, and I love them so much it hurts.

    So proud of you for sharing this. So, so proud.

    xxoo

  4. The cool thing about duct tape is after awhile, the parts underneath connect together and become our permanent tape and then we can remove the tape and what we find underneath the surface is more beautiful than anything we could ever have imagined. Hugs. You’re more than a survivor. You’re a thriver.

    • You know, El – I added the duct tape after reading your comment from the previous post. It resonated with me, and it made a great deal of sense. (Redundant? Oh well.) I certainly have a beautiful family – far more beautiful than I could have imagined. Thanks for your comments and support.

  5. We spoil and pamper men to believe they are the most important thing in the world, that they should be catered to, and deserve everything given to them… then are shocked when so many become entitled, violent, scumbags.

  6. I know you will both teach those two beautiful boys to never feel entitled to just take what they want from women.

    I applaud your honesty … and, like I said last night, I hope releasing this to the world, to the safety of us, your friends in the blogosphere, frees you in some way.

    MJ

    • It does, MJ. As I told Darla, I wrote this post, because a friend’s daughter was raped recently. I wanted to write this for her – give her something to read where she can find hope. I can’t say I wish it never happened, because I see what I have now, and I love what I have. I hope my friend’s daughter finds the strength to deal with the pain now, knowing the light will shine brighter in the future.
      Thank you for reading. And yes, I believe Rob and I will find our boys are respectful of women and understand the word ‘no’. Thanks again, MJ.

  7. I’m so glad you’re OK. Better than OK, in my book. Thanks for sharing your poignant story, and I hope it helps your friend’s daughter. I hope she has friends to encourage and help her through the rough times, but most of all, I hope she has a relationship with the Lord, where healing is complete.

  8. I hope now Lenore that after 20 years the healing is almost complete. We all know that one cannot forget what happened in the past but we must learn to live with it. And you now have Rob and those two delightful boys to share your love and affection – freely given and taken. Thanks for sharing.

    • I believe the healing is complete, Judith. I am glad I took the time to write this – perhaps I should have written it sooner. In any case, thank you for reading the post and supporting me.

  9. I hope, too, that your friend and her daughter see through your essays that no matter the extent of the pain, there is always way to ease it — and it does ease sooner or later.

    • Yes, Priya. The extent of the pain does ease sooner or later. In my opinion, the more you talk about it – honestly, the sooner the pain eases. Perhaps, if I talked about it more at the time it happened, things would have been different. But again – I dare not second guess myself, because my life right now is wonderful. I am where I need to be, and I love the people in my life.

      • Then you have it all! How wonderful, isn’t it?

        About talking about it. In my experience, what helped me most wasn’t talking about the events and my feelings about them (I talked a lot about it), but my talking to myself — unabashedly, without shame or embarrassment or putting blames on anyone, including myself. That’s what helped me. And thankfully, I am now at a place where you are!

  10. I feel so bad that I don’t know the right things to say.
    And it just absolutely blows my mind that any person could ever do something like that to another person… beyond awful.
    I’m so happy your wonderful family is there for you now, though, Ms. D… to support you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
    I can imagine how difficult it must have been to share your story with everyone…
    but I suspect it will help a lot of people, too…

  11. Thanks for sharing these difficult experiences. You are braver than I can ever imagine being. I pray that your experiences will give hope to others who have experienced a similar violation recently that it isn’t the end of the world and it doesn’t have to define them. I’m thankful that you are more than okay–you are a terrific wife and mother and are blessed with a beautiful family.

  12. My reply to your story before this entry was a book, so I’ll keep this one short. Yes! You are a survivor. And beyond survival is true healing. When you no longer feel like these two vampires have a piece of you, that is being healed. My heart is with you.

That was my thought on the matter. Your comment?

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