You Are What You Seek

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Amherst Shore, Nova Scotia by Jill C.

I am taking a risk here. I am going to take the “sharing too much information” to a new level, even for me. Please brace yourself and understand, what you are about to read may cause you to feel awkward and uncomfortable. You may even feel embarrassed for having read what I am about to share. That’s okay with me, because I am writing this for me and no one else. Feeling a little intrigued?

I had an ah-ha moment over the weekend. I realized, you are what you seek. Furthermore, I realized I have a tendency to seek disapproval, perhaps even disrespect. And, I believe I open myself up to receive disapproval and disrespect by placing a target on myself with my open and honest blog.

In past posts, I mentioned that addictions came in all kinds of flavors. Of course, at the time I was referring to ice cream, chips, etc. But lately, as I have been actively seeking negative comments, I realize that not all addictions are food (or even drug) related.

Today, I am calling out an acquaintance, without naming names. This acquaintance and I have met, and we share some of the same friends. Learning s/he was a writer (of sorts), I had hoped to connect with this person and talk about writing. Unfortunately, a connection was not in the cards. Though this person rarely spoke to me directly, s/he did write about me in the world of Twitter; and, this person did not speak kindly.

The point has come when I need to stop obsessing over this person’s negativity. Okay, the point came, went and is now overdue. I need to put aside my curiosity and need for approval, rather disapproval. Though I do not know the reasoning behind the negative things I have seen written about me, I feel the reason I seek out the negativity is due to another type of addiction.

Am I a stalker? I suppose in a ‘Twitter’ kind of way, I am. I think in this day and age, anyone accessing Twitter and following others is technically a stalker. And, I would actively search to see what sorts of Tweets were being sent to this person. So yes, again, I suppose I was a stalker. And well, I need to remember something my husband has told me for years: “Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.” Updating his statement to accommodate a Twitter society, I’m guessing he would say, “Don’t go looking for Tweets you don’t want to see.”

In addition to being a Twitter stalker, I spent a period of time living the life of an idiot by actively seeking disapproval and hatred. As I said earlier, this person (and some friends of this person) provided the disapproval and hatred by actively writing things about me that were not kind. According to this person, my craziness amused him/her. I suppose I am glad this person found me amusing, though I cannot say the same for this person. Sadly, the words this person typed about me brought me to tears for at least two reasons: 1.) the words hurt and 2.) I was stupid enough to go looking for it.

I assume that by admitting I have actively sought out Tweets by this person, reaffirms his/her belief that I am crazy. So be it. In the beginning, I wanted to meet this person, who I saw as a writer with large following of readers. And, in the end, I met myself, and I started writing again. At times, this experience was painful for me, but I got something positive out of it.

Amherst Shore, Nova Scotia by Jill C.

We live in a world where thoughts can be shared with countless, nameless, faceless people in seconds. Proverbial filters and holding of tongues are no longer. We feel safe hidden behind the keyboard, no censors holding us back. And, as we hide behind our keyboard safe in anonymity, hatred is spewed easily within seconds and runs rampant like a virus. Just like a porcupine raises its’ quills when needing to defend itself, the person called out for being mean, ugly, disrespectful, insensitive or rude is ready to attack. After all, it’s not the person spewing the hate that is wrong, it is the person actively seeking what is being spewed – right? As I said, my open blog makes me an easy target; no fake names, no hiding behind keyboards and no anonymity here.

I suspect, after reading this, you will once again Tweet about how “[expletive] crazy” I am for stalking you. That’s ironic, too. You’ve labeled me a stalker, yet you actively sought out my blog. Interesting. Anyway, carry on with your negative self.  I’m done. This was my Carly Simon “You’re so vain” composition. I did not deserve and will no longer seek your disapproval and disrespect. “Buh-bye.”

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10 thoughts on “You Are What You Seek

  1. Not the person you stalked

    You need to stop rationalizing your behavior. Stop needing to know everything that is said about you. Start living your own life. Go find yourself a better self-image.

    And using Carly Simon for this is just wrong. This post IS about your stalkee, entirely, so you can’t use a song that tells the subject that the song ISN’T about him/her.

    And don’t generalize Twitter as being a place purely for stalking. Again, rationalizing your behavior. Stop.

    You are looking for pity points with this crap. If you REALLY didn’t care, you wouldn’t feel a need to put it all there, while painting yourself in a light that makes YOU the victim. At least she was honest and up-front with you by telling you to stop following her around.

    • I am not rationalizing my behavior – it is what it is, pure and simple. I stand behind – rather I stand in front of everything I wrote. I am not hiding, and I am not pretending to be something I am not. This is me. Some like me – some don’t, and I am fine with that. However, if I find someone is speaking ill of me, I will stand up for myself.

      “You’re So Vain” is a song about someone who is so vain they probably think the song is about them. Did the irony get lost on you? The song is about the person, just as my post is about the person.

      Is Twitter purely a place for stalking? No. I didn’t write that it was. What I did say was Twitter is like stalking, which I do believe it is. Twitter is a public forum. What you put out there is fair game for anyone and everyone surfing around. If someone does not want their words out there for all to see and read, then they should not write it on a public forum.

      I never used the word victim in my post. Never. Not once. Since you brought it up, though … do I consider myself a victim? Of my own stupidity, perhaps. I sought out the negative vibe that this person put out towards me. You write as if this wasn’t personal, however, it was personal. Words, though not sent directly to me, were directly about me. This was not some fantasy fiction I created. Again, I never said I didn’t care. What I said was – I was hurt by the words this person wrote, as well as my own stupidity for seeking out the words.

      This person did tell me to stop following them, true. And in the game of Twitter, this person is no longer someone I follow. However, curiosity got the better of me several times, and I deliberately searched for this person, just as this person continued to read my blog and write comments about my blog to the Twitter world. Thank you for reading my blog; I’m curious how you stumbled upon it. You’re not following me or stalking me, are you? Anyway, thanks for your feedback, “Not the person you stalked.”

  2. Andrea HT

    I completely disagree with Not the person you stalked. I believe the person whom Lenore is writing about is a coward because this person can’t find it in him/herself to FACE Lenore and talk about whatever it is that makes this person feel this way about her.

    Those of us who know (and love) Lenore know that she lives her life her way – we may not always agree with her, but she is who she is. We accept this about her because she is a true, loyal friend. We all have our insecurities and so be it if Lenore wants to write about hers. I’m glad she is ridding herself of this negative person in her life. No one deserves that kind of crap. Is this how we teach our kids to treat others? I think not.

    • Casual Observer

      “I believe the person whom Lenore is writing about is a coward because this person can’t find it in him/herself to FACE Lenore and talk about whatever it is that makes this person feel this way about her.”

      That doesn’t make this person a coward. After all, she had the balls to come out and say, “I just don’t like you.” She’s obligated to, what? Stick around and work it out? In what universe? I feel like I’m listening to 14 year olds here. News flash: THIS IS HOW ADULT INTERACTIONS WORK. You don’t like someone, you stop interacting with them. Beautiful, isn’t it? You don’t even have to fill out an exit survey explaining why. It’s called free will, not cowardice.

      This whole blog screams of insecurity. Homegirl needs to grab her metaphorical testicles and say “fuck em” instead of crying about it on her blog.

      I don’t even know why I’m wasting the time in my day to respond to it. Probably because the blatant immaturity and raging sheltered-housewife-ness of it all makes my head want to explode. She has a roof over her head and healthy children. Life is good. Stop whining.

  3. Casual Observer

    Why does it matter? Who cares? The logical, mature thing to do is LET IT GO AND MOVE ON. You’re going to meet people in this world who won’t like you. Who gives a crap? There are BILLIONS of other people inhabiting the earth, some of which might not completely butt heads with your (obviously) in-constant-need-of-validation personality. Some people give that. Some people don’t have the time or patience to humor you. Who freaking cares? Move on to the next. Why waste all this time reflecting on it?

    In case you didn’t notice, there are children out there dying of cancer. Parents who can’t even afford their medication have to watch them waste away. Whole families are starving to death. Women and children get violently raped on a daily basis in third world countries, and hell, even our own.

    And you’re blogging about the woes of an unfortunate friendship mismatch? Someone said some nasty words about you?

    Get some freaking perspective.

  4. Pity Party... Table for 1

    Oh… woe is me…
    I think I have to go with “Not the person you stalked.” This is all but a bid for attention.

    I would believe this person you speak of is justified in his/her comments. This post is nothing more than a pity party. Why would you post this? What exactly are you hoping to accomplish? Other than give ‘said’ person more fuel to add to his/her ‘she is crazy’ list. ‘Cause you sound a few slices short of a loaf.

    This ain’t Kindergarten. Someone doesn’t want to be your friend, there ain’t no teacher to make them be your friend when you whine about it. He/She has a reason that is all his/her own and now the rest of us are seeing why. Move on. Let it go.

    I dedicate a song to the person this blog is about…. “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell, ’cause I feel you.

    PS. You want to be a writer? Well, get some thicker skin. You’ll never cut it if you can’t handle a few simple tweets.

  5. Ursula W

    Dear Casual Observer… why does it matter to you… what matters to Lenore? This is Lenore’s blog. Her ponderings… her thoughts. If you’re not interested and find her to be “immature” and a “sheltered-housewife-in-need-of-constant-validation”, you and the rest of you mean-girls, simply stay away.

    BTW… I had the same advice for Lenore today… if they aren’t nice then find someone else to play with. It’s the same advice I’ve given my daughter for the last 13 years. Girls can be mean. Engage with the nice ones… dial down the others. Find another sandbox to play in.

    All you have to do is look around the world to know it’s unlikely we can all just “get along”… instead why don’t we just leave each other alone if we don’t enjoy each others thoughts and company?

    So… can we agree to disagree and move on to healthy relationships?

    For the record, I enjoy Lenore’s blog… it’s silly and light hearted and honest and Lenore likes writing it. Good for me and good for Lenore! If you don’t enjoy it… just simply don’t visit.

    Peace!

    • I also enjoy Lenore’s blog. And the absurd frequency with which she is able to intertwine Carly Simon lyrics into her daily life in a completely rational manner. Wow, I say, whenever she does this. Except sometimes I say, “I wonder if this song is about me?” But mostly I say “Wow.”

      Seriously–“calling out” is a glorious and greatly underestimated skill. Some people refer to “Calling out” as “communicating.” That’s what the girls at Big Girl Panty Place told me. I think they wanted me to buy some, though. Some people call the communicating “confronting.” This usually has a negative connotation and these people shop at the “Nuh uhs R Us.”

      Man, Len, could I tell you some stories….

      oh, and Hi Ursula. Lenore talks about you ALL the time…

      • This is the post that put me on the map. I had 167 hits that day. All because the subject of the post told her friends, who told friends, who told friends. Pretty funny. Seems so long ago.
        P.S. Ursula rocks. Best. Boss. Ever. (You rock, too, L1. DUH!)

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