How often do you argue with each other?

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Recently, Rob and I had words. ‘Had words’. That phrase cracks me up. Some people have a problem with the words ‘argue’ or ‘fight’, so they try to lessen the negativity (I suppose) by saying they ‘had words’. Call it whatever you’d like, Rob and I had an argument. We fought.

The fact that we fought was a bit of a buzz kill, as we had a fantastic morning and early afternoon. And, I suppose one might say (accurately) the reason for the fighting was because we were both tired, due to the fun but long day. Regardless of the why, Rob and I butted heads and got upset. Though we came to a truce before we went to bed, it was clear this morning that some negative energy still existed between us.

When we were done with breakfast, the boys went outside to play, and Rob and I stayed at the table and started talking about the argument. Rob said, “I am shocked by how much we fight.” Because I am accustomed to the arguing, I joked, “Well, how long will it take for you to stop being shocked?”

I believe we argue as much and no more than the average married couple, and Rob believes we argue more than the average married couple. My views come, in part, because my parents fought and argued. And Robs views come, in part, because his parents did not fight and argue. Hence, our squabbles seem abnormal to Rob and normal to me.

Unless you are new to my blog, you (the reader) know my marriage has struggled for the past several years. I started the blog in hopes of finding an outlet for myself, so I wouldn’t look to Rob as having sole responsibility for keeping me happy. And, the blog has helped me a great deal. I also believe the blog has helped my marriage, because it gives Rob a greater insight to the mania that exists inside of me.

If you read this blog and you are married (or in a long-term relationship), I hope you’ll take a moment to leave a comment and let me know how often you argue and fight with your partner. And, tell me, do you believe you can deeply love someone with whom you fight? One may not always like his/her partner, but are there times when one doesn’t ‘love’ his/her partner? And, is the love/hate directly related to arguments?

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3 thoughts on “How often do you argue with each other?

  1. Carol

    Hey Lenore,
    I don’t normally read your blog, so I don’t know how much you have talked about this, but I will say that I think if Rob feels like it is a lot of fighting, it’s too much fighting. I grew up in a house with a LOT of constant arguing, and it used to be what I expected. But I had to learn that things can be solved without fighting and without raised voices. It takes a lot of compromise, and sometimes one or the other of us is left unhappy but accepting (just ask my husband about the kid’s swing in the living room!).

    When we were first married, I didn’t realize that some of my comments (like “How long will it take for you to stop being shocked?”) really hurt Ryan’s feelings until he sat down with me and explained that his family was very different from mine and that to him, hurtful things were simply hurtful, not funny. It literally changed my entire approach to dealing with him. I now understand that he is truly a nice guy and I don’t want to say things that might upset him. He and I were both lucky that he was willing and able to articulate this to me.

    So our daughter has grown up in a house where we resolve differences calmly and reasonably. If we are angry, we wait and sort out feelings and talk in an hour or two. She gets upset now if we squabble even a little (“Oh man! You SAID you’d start the dishwasher!) about very small things (but even this example is very unusual), because it is so rare for us to fight. Once we got to that place of mutual respect (and it was MY fault, not Ryan’s), we have no need for the fighting. We each have interests outside of the house and outside of the family, and that’s okay, and we respect that, too. We do not EVER yell at one another. Ever.

    I hope that you and Rob can come to an understanding, but I will say that those who didn’t grow up in a household with a bunch of kids and a bunch of fighting really can’t handle it, and maybe shouldn’t have to learn. Fighting is necessary and healthy, but only when there is really something to fight about. And when you think about it, what really is worth getting somebody else upset over? Almost everything can be resolved through discussion and compromise. Ask Ryan–we lived with my mom for 10 years–we had a LOT to discuss and compromise over!

  2. lisa

    Well, TJ and I fought a lot at the beginning, well, the first 20 years. I attribute it to being young, selfish, exhausted with too many kids and not enough time and money. Now we never fight….old and lazy or did we just finally grow up? TJ’s parents were very vocal and feisty and argued a lot. Mine….never. But through all the “words” I never had any doubts about the marriage. You asked if you can love someone you fight with….I could not love someone I did not fight with. I will say the “words” were never, well hardly never, mean or hateful personally, just “words” about issues, do you know what I mean? I think it’s better to get it out in the open rather than let it fester inside until it explodes. Communication. Good luck.

  3. Carol

    On average, I’d say we have a figh once a month. We disagree about how to handle things, possibly several times a day, but I’d call those debates or discussions and not fights.

That was my thought on the matter. Your comment?

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