This week, Charlie celebrates his 4th birthday. When the boys were babies, I would go in their room and watch them sleep in their crib. I was always amazed how big they looked in their crib. It seemed their growth became more obvious at night, when they were sprawled out in their bed, lying motionless.
Joe, small enough to fit in a nursing pillow.
Even now, when I check on the boys before I go to bed, I see how they are filing up their twin beds more and more. My boys are getting so big. I am watching it unfold in front of me, yet it still seems to happen in the blink of an eye.
A time when baths were taken in the sink.
Joe and I were watching TV early one morning. He was sitting on the table in front of the couch, while I sat on the couch. I watched him, sitting on the table, and I couldn’t help but notice how big he was getting. Then I was reminded of the fact that he is starting Kindergarten in August, and his big boyness became even bigger to me.
Just home from the hospital with Charlie.
I eventually said, “Joe, you are getting so big.” He quickly replied, “I know.” Then I asked, “Are you excited about getting big?” He mumbled, “Yes.” Shortly after, Charlie came in the room and sat on the table (apparently our couch & chair lack comfort). And just like I noticed with Joe, I was amazed at how big Charlie is getting.
Joe checking out his new baby brother, Charlie.
I’m no longer watching them with my breath held, as they attempt to climb up to the couch, chair or -ahem – table. They are old enough to go outside without Rob and me following along immediately. Strollers, cribs, high chairs and diapers are all things of the past. Entertainers, bouncy seats and push toys are long gone. Now it’s Tinker toys, Lincoln logs, Legos
and 100+ piece puzzles; Crayons, paints,
glue sticks and scissors.
Brotherly trust and brotherly love
I am enjoying the boys more and more as they grow. I love listening to Joe and Charlie interact with each other, each one confident in his knowledge. Joe is the teacher, explaining things to Charlie. And Charlie is the ever-trusting younger brother, seeking Joe’s advice on the littlest thing. “Joe, should I use the orange crayon or the red one? Orange or red, which one?”
Brothers sharing
When out of various stages, it becomes easy to romanticize about newborns and infants. But, I’m not looking to experience the sleepless nights, colic cries and changing of diapers again. Still … little outfits, sweet baby breath, tiny fingers on a tiny hand holding your seemingly gigantic thumb tightly… Well, maybe one sleepless night. Happy birthday, Charlie; I love you.
Dear, dear Blogary. I’m warning you, I am feeling very sentimental today. I just told Rob that I was having a hard time today, and before I could get out why I was having a hard time – I started crying. Sobbing, actually. These emotions have come over me unexpectedly.
Why the sudden emotions? My dad. Today is May 13, 2010. Today is my Dad’s birthday. And, today my Dad would be 82yrs old . . . if he were still alive. My Dad died in February 1994, over 16yrs ago!
In our dorm room with my best friend (right) and my niece, Shannon (car seat). November 1987
So, is that it? Is that why I am feeling sentimental? Nope. This Saturday, May 15th, my oldest niece (and my Dad’s first grand-daughter) is graduating from college. She was born the year I started college, and now she is finishing college. My Dad was around when she started, and it brings tears to my eyes to think he is not physically around to see her graduate. At the same time, I can’t stop myself from grinning, as I look at the picture of Shannon, as a baby, which was taken during first quarter of my Freshman year.
Ok. I just checked my cycle calendar, [What. You don’t have a cycle calendar? It’s like a pass to be cranky. *kidding*] and based on the cycle calendar, the emotions I am having are not being triggered by hormones. Dang. So much for using hormones as an excuse to buy some Ben & Jerry’s later. Wait. I can be an emotional eater, too! I digress . . .
My Dad was raised just outside of Boston, MA. His accent was thick, though having lived in the South for over 20yrs, it may have lessened a bit. He always answered the phone saying, “Yell’ow?”; and, he had a way with saying my niece’s name, Shannon. He rarely said “Shannon”. Instead, my Dad would say, “Sha’nnn’onnn Elizabeth” in his thick accent and deep voice. As I type, I can hear his voice in my head.
So much has happened over the past 16yrs, including my marriage and the birth of my two boys, one of whom is named after my Dad. As Shannon gets ready to graduate, days after my Dad’s birthday, it doesn’t surprise me that I am overcome with sentiment. This is a special time in her life. But, being that she is the first grandchild in our family, it makes it all the more sentimental for us – her family.
My Dad, Summer 1993
My Dad would be 82 today. 82. That is no spring chicken. I haven’t a clue what he would look like now. His younger sister is still alive, thank goodness. I suppose I could look at her and get an idea of what my Dad would look like today. Honestly, he looked older than his natural age, in part because he smoked. So, he would probably look old. The picture, to the left, was one of the last pictures taken of my Dad. It was taken before the age of digital cameras, so the quality is lost a bit with the scanning. I believe the picture was taken the Summer (1993) before he died. Crazy.
If you’ve lost a loved one, you know the sense of ‘loss’ never dies. And, you know the pain eventually subsides. Though in the midst of the death, it seems the pain will go on forever. If you haven’t lost a loved one, you don’t get it. And, I am not trying to be disrespectful. You just don’t get it. I didn’t get it either. My friend’s brother died, and until my Dad died – I didn’t understand her grief. But, that friend was one of the most supportive friends to me when my Dad died.
My Dad and I, Junk food buddies. (1989)
To the person who has yet to experience loss, it is uncomfortable to deal with the sadness of someone else. The emotion is an elephant in the room, and you are unsure how to comfort and confront it. Take it from someone who has been on both sides, calling out the elephant in the room would be appreciated by the person suffering from the loss. Don’t tip toe around – call it out. Trust me, the person who is grieving will then take the reigns. In my opinion, when grieving, you really just want someone to listen, even if it means s/he will hear the same story over and over again.
Sha'nnnn'on Elizabeth and I
Oh Blogary, I didn’t mean for this to take such a somber turn. I miss my Dad, that much is true. And, perhaps because Shannon is graduating on Saturday, his birthday is hitting me harder than normal. The circle of life continues. I wish my Dad were here to celebrate it with us. And, as I watch Shannon grow into adulthood, gah – the emotions come over me again.
Blogary, please bear with me. I am writing to you instead of eating Ben & Jerry’s. You are my therapist, deal with it.
Charlie, Joe and Everett (Lindsey's son), June 2007
My mom used to take care of babies in our home. One of the babies was Lindsey, who is about 4yrs older than Shannon. And, when my Dad would see Lindsey, he would say, “Helloooo Lindsey-loopner.” [To this day, I call Lindsey, Lindsey-loopner.] I have watched both Lindsey and Shannon enter adulthood. And, both Lindsey and Shannon were a part of my Dad’s life. *sob* And, during my Dad’s funeral, Lindsey read a letter she wrote to my Mom, after my Dad died.
My Dad and I
I was 25yrs old when my Dad died. And, as I see both Lindsey and Shannon around the same age I was when my Dad died, well – I don’t know. Today is an emotional day for me. I miss my Dad, and I find it bittersweet to know Shannon is graduating college. I would love to hear my Dad say, “Sha’nnn’on Elizabeth” at her graduation. And, I would love to hear my Dad call out to Lindsey, “Helloooo, Lindsey-loopner!”
In honor of my Dad, I should eat a frozen Snickers candy bar. Those were my Dad’s favorite candy bar (bite size). Wait. Let’s be serious. In honor of my Dad, I should eat two or four frozen Snickers candy bars. My Dad never ate just one. We don’t have any Snickers in the house. Hmm… the grocery store is just around the corner.
I just explained to Joe why I was writing. This led me to explain why I was sad. Joe said, “Well, he’s not dead. He’s in heaven. You’ll see him in heaven.” I hope so, Joe. I truly hope so. In the meantime, I think Ben & Jerry are calling my name, here on earth.
Me and the boys enjoying my birthday, while the oldest keeps his eye on the prized ice cream pie.
The word of the day today is ‘giddy’. According to Merriam-Webster, the #2 definition of giddy is a : lightheartedly silly :frivolousb: joyfully elated :euphoric. I am feeling very giddy today, and I am having a hard time staying focused on work. Why? Because it is snowing outside. I am like a kid in a candy store, when it is snowing outside. I live in GA, and we don’t get too many snowy days.
My husband is working from home today. He’s not home due to the snow, though it is certainly nice he is home on a snow day. He works from home on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I think I might be getting on my husband’s nerves, just a bit. I keep calling out to him saying things like: “I love the snow!” “Look at the snow!” “I love that I can sit here, work and watch the snow fall!” “Look! It is still snowing!”
Yes, I do believe I am getting on my husband’s nerves. While he was washing his breakfast dishes, I came up to him, grabbed his arm, started jumping and said, “I’m so glad it is snowing!” My husband is putting up with me today. When he works from home, he typically goes down in the basement to work. However, today he is sitting and working at the dinner table. And, from where he is sitting, he can look out and see the snow blanket our backyard. He likes the snow, too; he is just better at controlling his excitement. (He’s an engineer, and I believe controlling emotions is a common trait for engineers.)
Oh and yes, you read the above correctly. My husband was washing his breakfast dishes. Something tells me that sentence was noticed by many readers. Yes, I am thankful my husband washes his dishes. Yes, I know what I have. And, yes, I am glad our relationship continues to improve.
Giddy. I am joyfully elated. If my joy could be illustrated, it would be a variety of bright colors scribbled scrabbled with curves, circles, dots and smileys. I might have to throw in a few stars, too.
Part of the giddiness is due to my birthday, which was yesterday. I had such a nice time with my boys and my husband. My husband took some great pictures of the boys and I, while singing happy birthday and blowing out the candles. He has greatly improved his photo taking skills. The shots he took last night are definite keepers. I went through the pictures over and over again last night, smiling with every shot. And, when I went to bed, I thanked my husband again for taking such great pictures, while falling asleep with a smile on my face.
I planned on attaching a picture of giddiness to this post. But, I think I am going to post a picture from my birthday celebration last night. I’m not even sure it is the best of the bunch taken, but I do believe the picture is lightheartedly silly. Look at how my oldest son is eying the ice cream pie. His eyes aren’t closed, I promise you. My oldest takes after me, with his love for ice cream. Both boys take after me with their giddiness, too. Perhaps, my husband’s influence will keep the boys balanced, as I can teeter on the border of mania.
The snow continues to fall, and the butterflies in my belly continue to flutter. I just yelled out to my husband that it is snowing. His response? He smiled and played along by saying, “It is? Imagine that!” I need to remember moments like this when I am having a bad day. I hope you have a good day today. If you are feeling challenged and teetering on a bad day, I hope this helps you recall a giddy day in your life. We all have giddy days; the key is remembering the giddy days while in the midst of a bad one.
Lenore's Thoughts Exactly 