Author: Lenore Diane

I am married. We have two boys, two dogs, and two cats. I am on the Oxford Comma team. I look forward to my first large cup of coffee, black, every single morning, and I look forward to that second large cup of coffee, still black, every single afternoon.

Friday Rabble Babble

~ Lenore Diane ~ Leave a comment

FYI: This post does not pertain to my journey.

What a week! If comedy is found in tragedy, this week was the creation of the funniest movie ever. Holy smokes. This week is the inspiration for the following poem:

A Haiku poem
Is not the biggest challenge
Leave that to your life

Great Smoky Mountains, Photo by Angela

Not denying the crap of this week, today I am focusing on fun things, positive things and of course – ice cream. And, I thank Angela for letting me use pictures she took while enjoying the Great Smoky Mountains. Her picture is a great reminder that amidst all the crap is beauty.

‘**’

I share much too much all the time. So please, do not be shocked that I am sharing the following.  Here goes . . . While watching TV with the boys, I caught a wiff of something icky. Trying to instill politeness in my boys, I asked, “Did one of you just pass gas?” Then I requested, “Please say excuse me.” Joe responded quickly by standing up, bending over and saying, “It wasn’t me. See? Smell my butt.”

‘**’

Rob is usually the one that gives the boys baths. The boys tend to request their Dad, because I don’t let them splash as much. However, Rob was gone during bath nights this week, so bathing the boys was up to me.

To the boys’ surprise, I made their bath night a bubble bath night. Does one ever outgrow a bubble bath? Sure, as an adult you may not allow yourself a bubble bath, but seriously – bubble baths are awesome! And the boys? They had a blast.

When Rob returned, the boys told him all about the bubble baths, and they asked if he could give them a bubble bath ‘like Mommy’. I think Rob was a little shocked by the excitement of the boys, because ‘fun’ and ‘Mommy’ don’t always go together, especially during bath time.

Now, I have to remember to pick up more bubble bath supplies. If there are no bubble bath supplies come bath night, the boys will surely put me back in the ‘bath time’ doghouse.

‘**’

Ben and Jerry’s Rocks
How I love the flavor ‘Smores
Ice cream makes me smile

‘**’

The Smoking Smoky Mountains, Photo by Angela

I took the boys to the library this week. It was neat to see how each one decided on which books to take hom. Charlie, the youngest, just pulled random books off the shelf. And Joe? Joe pulled books off the shelf and examined the book cover. If the cover didn’t thrill him, he quickly put the book back.

When browsing for books in a library, you have to literally pull the book off the shelf to see the cover. Rarely, do I walk into a library not knowing what book I am going to get, so I do not judge the book by the cover. However, if I go to a book seller, like Barnes and Noble, I will often walk up and down the new release or best seller aisles to ‘see’ what interests me.

I have purchased many books based on the cover. And, as you might guess, not all the ‘neat’ covers were good books. Still, I find it hard not to judge something by the outer appearance. Music, books, food, houses, people, etc. – all of those things are packaged in a way to grab your attention and make an instant judgment. Sometimes you get it right; sometimes you get it wrong. By the way, “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time” by Mark Haddon is a great book. Odd title. Odd cover page. Great book.

‘**’

Have Strength and Have Hope
And Have Determination
And Perseverance

‘**’

“Mommy,” says Joe. “Today is a special day, because it rained. So, I think we should eat on the floor in the living room.”

“Mommy,” says Joe. “Today is a special day, because I colored a very pretty picture. So, I think we should look for fireflies tonight.”

Such is Joe’s take on life. He doesn’t need a national holiday or a birthday celebration to make a day special. A rainy day or a day spent coloring is a good enough reason to consider the day special, according to Joe.

Yesterday, Joe came home and said, “Mommy. Today is a special day, because Megan pooped on the potty three times. So, can we have ice cream?”

May you find special moments in your day and throughout your weekend. And, be sure to give thanks for your health. Come to think of it, you’re alive today, and that fact makes today special. Treat yourself.

‘**’

This post is dedicated to Valentina, Andrea, Tracie, George, James E., Mary Alice, Angela and Booie, all of whom are all in my thoughts and prayers.

My View Today

~ Lenore Diane ~ Leave a comment

Tolle writes, “When every thought absorbs your attention completely, when you are so identified with the voice in your head and the emotions that accompany it that you lose yourself in every thought and every emotion, then you are totally identified with form and therefore in the grip of ego.”

Because of the overwhelming awareness of emotions within me, the voice in my head rattles on most of my waking hours. And today, there is frustration and sadness within me. My heart aches for my nephew, and my heart aches for one of my very best friends, who just found out her Mom is battling Cancer. And, as I read Tolle today, the frustration within me increases.

Living in an unconscious state is sometimes a blessing. Generally speaking, drug addicts, alcoholics, bulimics, anorexics, etc. aren’t trying to find their conscious state; rather they are trying to find a state of unconsciousness. Yes, I understand the concept of the mind – the ego – telling you that your life is lacking for whatever reason. I understand the concept of using food to avoid the labels of the ego. But seriously, I am wondering if I am too in tune with my emotional state. I am wondering if I am too in tune with a conscious state. I analyze too much as it is now; reading Tolle seems to encourage further analysis which is overloading the circuits in my consciousness.

One of my Facebook friends had this as her status: ‘In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.’ There is humor and truth to that thought. Humankind is constantly searching for something else. If that statement weren’t true, books would not be sold, and spiritual teachers would not have pupils attending their classes. Even living in the state of consciousness creates a desire to find an even deeper sense of consciousness. Seeking a deeper sense of consciousness risks falling into the trap of always wanting greater fulfillment.

When frustrated or sad (or experiencing any emotion), Tolle suggests one should express the feeling as ‘there is frustration in me’, rather than saying ‘I am frustrated’. Tolle suggests that the emotion has nothing to do with who you are. Honestly, I do notice a difference within myself when I say, “I feel frustrated” vs. “There is frustration within me.” One of those statements seems to remove me from the situation to the point that the frustration seems less intense. However, even though there are tendencies within me to stew on any given emotion at any given time, I don’t recall feeling as though any given emotion was my identity. Unless ‘crazy’ is an emotion.

Seriously, this book is dangerous territory for me. I need not be encouraged to observe my thoughts instead of listening to my thoughts. Listening was never a strong suit of mine, anyway. In the meantime, the frustration and sadness exists within me. My thoughts are consumed with my friend and her Mom. In fact, after reading this, I ask that you take a moment to say a prayer, send a positive thought, or whatever the spiritual side of you does – please send support to my friend and her family. Her brother, while battling a brain tumor, kept these words beside him during his struggle: Strength, Perseverance, Determination, Hope. Those are good qualities on which to hold tight.

And to my friend, I raise a glass of Guinness to you and your Mom. Guinness for Strength; Guinness for Health. I love you.

Documentation

~ Lenore Diane ~ Leave a comment

FYI: In case you are following my journey, know that this post is unrelated to my journey posts.

This is a post about what I realize is one of the many reasons I write: Alzheimer’s disease. Well, I’m not writing about Alzheimer’s, rather I am writing about why I want to document my thoughts and experiences about life. In the future, should I be diagnosed with a memory stealing disease like Alzheimer’s, I want my kids to know what I thought about friends, family and life. I want my kids to know I loved them. (And, I’m okay with them finding out what annoyed me.)

I started writing this post several weeks ago. I was inspired by at story I watched on CBS Sunday Morning, ‘Jan’s Story‘. Because I was afraid many would find the post too depressing, I held off making it public. However, because of some news I received today, I have decided to publish this post.

What news did I receive, you ask? I know, you didn’t ask, but I am going to share some of it with you, nonetheless. A friend of my nephew was murdered yesterday. Her life was taken away by her Mom, who then turned the gun on herself. My nephew is grieving. This 19yr old was murdered by her Mom, and then her Mom committed suicide. Her Mom committed suicide. Suicide.

Me and my favorite guys - the ones I love the most.

I’ve considered suicide. I have seriously considered suicide. I’ve planned suicide. I know what it is like to be in the black hole that is all encompassing. I know what it feels like to believe wholeheartedly there is no way out but death. And, by the grace of God (and the support of friends and family), I held on to my life; I found my way out of the black hole.

Because I am alive today, I can look back and recall very recent memories of laughing fits that left me with a belly ache. I can recall recent warm fuzzies where Joe and Charlie gave me ‘around the neck’ hugs. And, I can remember many nights this Summer, helping Joe and Charlie catch fireflies. These precious moments were inconceivable to me, while in the depths of despair; but, because I faced the black hole, I was left to live in the light.

As I type, my youngest has a pillow propped up on my arm, and he is lying beside me watching a movie. Soon, I am going to give both him and his brother a bubble bath. We are together, and I am thankful I am still here to be with them.

I want my kids to know the good the bad and the ugly in life. I want them to know when they experience moments, hours, days or weeks that suck, there are more moments, hours, days and weeks that don’t suck. I want them to know that just because you yell at someone at the top of your lungs, it doesn’t wipe away the intense love you feel for the person. And, in case I am not around, mentally, to tell them my take on all of the above, they can read about my thoughts and experiences.

Regardless of how it happens, death will find me. However, death will not find me by my own hand. Suicide is not the answer. Suicide is not the answer. Suicide is not the answer. Yes. Sometimes it is pitch black. Sometimes death seems the only way out. I get that. I completely get that. But it is wrong. Death is not the only way out. It is not. Someone will lend you a hand. Someone will hold your hand as long as it takes and as often as it takes to keep you going. Just reach out. I will hold your hand. Even though I don’t know you.

Do not commit suicide. You will hurt more people by leaving than you will by staying. Killing yourself will do more harm than good. Suicide is a cruel and selfish act. You are not cruel. You are not selfish. Do not do it.

Going back to Alzheimer’s, my hope is that I recognize and don’t forget who my loved ones are as death approaches. But, just in case, Joe and Charlie, whether or not I remember your face, your name or your role in my life, I don’t want you to ever forget that I love you. You will always be in my heart, even if my head forgets.

P.S. Remember Joe and Charlie, do NOT commit suicide. Reach out. A hand will be extended and willing to help.