I am engaged

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Engaged is my word for today. I am locked and loaded. I am prepared for the long road ahead. Well. I sure hope it is a long road. It would stink if my long road became a dead end quickly. Ok. This is taking a turn in a kinda gloomy direction. Let me put my directional on and exit – stage left even. *groan*

My husband read my blog last night. I asked him if I was sharing too much, and the I referred him to the blog about Rosie O’Donnell. He smiled. He definitely doesn’t want me to share too much, though it is unclear what it is too much. So far, I haven’t crossed any lines. And, he said he’d let me know if I do cross a line. Stay tuned.

I was pleased to find out he read the blog. More importantly, he agreed that my Silence and Pause blog described a big step. He agreed it was big stuff. And, he said he is happy that the blogging seems to be helping me.

The blogging is helping me. I feel more involved with my life. I feel more engaged. This is creating conversation at home and among my friends. I have been silent for so long; it feels great to interact again. It’s still a slippery slope for me. I could feel myself starting to slide this morning, in fact. But, I am aware of being engaged; and, when I sensed the familiar sadness starting to grow inside me, I started remember the blogs, the words of the day and sunflowers. Yes, I said sunflowers.

I actually envisioned a road. One road was bland and slightly dreary, and the other road was lined with huge sunflowers. Seeing the sunflowers made me happy, so I took that mental road. I can’t say as I have ever successfully used visions to help me turn my mood around positively. I’ve certainly heard enough therapists suggest envisioning perfect places, calm place, etc.; but, this was the first time I put their advice to use. And hey – it worked! Though as I re-read what I wrote, it sounds a bit odd. That’s me, though. It’s all good.

As the weekend approaches, I am looking forward to being home with the boys. We may have some wintry weather tonight and into early Saturday morning. We live in the South, which gives us more ice than snow. Ice is not a friendly beast. I love weather, and I love wintry precipitation, but I really hope we don’t get ice. Playing outside in the ice is not nearly as fun as playing outside in the snow. The boys and I are excited about the possibility of snow. We’ll see what happens.

My husband is planning on going hiking tomorrow, weather permitting. Again, ice is not a friendly beast. The weather men are forecasting up to a 1/2 of ice and up to 3 inches of snow in the mountains. All of this sounds comical to you, if you are someone living in the upper Midwest, New England, etc. But really, the folks in the Southeast don’t need much to create a mess on the roads, etc.

I mention my husband is going hiking tomorrow, because it ties with me being engaged – happily engaged. Not too long ago I would be anxious about being at home alone with the boys. I love my boys, and I love being with my boys. Still, there was a time when I would panic because I wouldn’t know what I was going to with them all day long. I believe much of that anxiety tied to my depression. Happily, the anxiety is diminishing, and I find I look forward to being alone with the boys. And, if you add snow to the mix – well, color me excited!

This has been a good week. And, I am determined to to keep it going. Goodness, this week I used my NordicTrack consistently and found time to have silence and pause, so I could stay engaged. I have a long road ahead, but I will keep an eye out for the road lined with sunflowers. I am ready. I am able. Engaged is my word for today.

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