Confronting the Fear and Discomfort and Moving Forward

This post comes from an insecure kid who, at the age of 51, still finds herself seeking attention, approval, and acknowledgement from her family and friends. She wants everyone to agree with her, encourage her, and see her as doing the right thing. And when they don’t, she feels like a disregarded child.

This post comes from the same 51 year old woman who, simultaneously, is tired of having her insecurities prevent her from taking a stand, especially when she knows the stand is on the right side of history.

This post comes from a 51 year old who is worried about how her family will respond, worried about the division it will create, and worried about missing out on things, because she is deliberately choosing this path.

This 51 year old is me, and I am taking a stand on racism. I am on a journey to become an anti-racist. I am moving forward. And I acknowledge that my stance may tarnish some relationships.


I’m working through the book Me and White Supremacy by Layla F. Saad. In Part 1 of the book “Welcome to the work” (pertaining to combating racism), Layla states, “You will feel unrewarded because there will be nobody rushing to thank you for doing this work.”

To be clear, I don’t think any white person should be thanked for doing this work. We whites created the reason the work needs to be done in the first place. It’s our fault. We shouldn’t be thanked for cleaning up our own mess.

But what Layla doesn’t state is that in addition to folks not rushing to thank you, you will feel unrewarded because you will get the sense folks are rushing away from you. And, what she doesn’t state is that you risk missing out on things, because you may no longer be invited to or welcomed at gatherings. And, what she doesn’t state is that you may miss out on these things because you deliberately chose this path. (And that, my white friends, is an excellent example of white privilege; whites can choose – Blacks and other people of color cannot.)

Activism and attempting to bring people together can leave one feeling isolated and alone, and working to unite people can further divide people. When you choose to stand up, it’s scary and uncomfortable, but you can’t let that fear and discomfort prevent you from doing what is right.

I’m no longer comfortable having private conversations about racism in my head, thinking to myself that it’s good enough to just be aware of racism. I’m no longer comfortable having safe and easy conversations with others about racism and allowing myself to think that, just by having these safe and easy conversations, I am making a difference and bringing about change. I’m no longer comfortable pretending.

It’s taken over 50 years to get to this point. I’m here now, and I am am ready to actively and publicly cry out, stand up, and fight for Blacks and other people of color. And you know what? That’s shameful. It should not have taken me so long.

Now please excuse me. I need to make up for lost time, and I have some serious catching up to do.

Black Lives Matter.

Respect: Have it. Use it.

I haven’t written in weeks, perhaps months. I fear if I take my time and really think this through, my life will pull me away from the post, and it will remain (like so many others) in draft form. So I am sharing a stream of conscious with you. While I will try to write correctly and coherently, I am not trying to win any grammar awards or accolades with this post. In advance, I extend my apologies to the grammar police.

My name is Lenore, and I watch Big Brother. That fact is tough to admit, because my husband despises reality television – and when he finds me watching Big Brother (or Survivor), he expresses his displeasure with my choice of shows to watch, over and over again.

I’m not here to defend the time I waste spend watching Big Brother, instead I am here to applaud the producers/editors of Big Brother for showing what appears to be more complete conversations between the houseguests vs. the typical sound bites shared in the show. Plus, I am here to share my thoughts regarding racism and general lack of respect.

Surely you are in the know, right? Surely you are aware of the fact that there is at least one houseguest within the Big Brother house unafraid to share her feelings about the people around her. Specifically, this houseguest will openly disrespect her black and gay co-houseguests.

(Side note: Am I the only person to find sick irony/coincidence with the fact that this houseguest’s name is Aaryn? Her name is so very close to “Aryan”, as in the Aryan Nation.)

My friends will tell you – my black friends, Indian friends, Armenian friends, Jewish friends, white friends, etc. – I like to be of the opinion that racism does not exist. I like to be of the opinion that we all get along far better than the media implies. Alas, Aaryn’s behavior has made it difficult for me to “unsee” the truth that exists.

So, in addition to admitting I watch Big Brother, I will also admit that racism exists. HOWEVER, the bigger issue, in my humble opinion, is a lack of respect. Regardless of your race, religion, creed, nationality, stature, weight, hair color, etc., individuals seem to spew disrespect towards anyone that is different and/or disagrees with whatever is being said or done. Outward differences seem more easily overlooked when folks are in agreement with one another.


Ducking to avoid all that will be tossed my way, I ask: Isn’t calling someone a dumb blonde similar to stereotyping a redneck or black person?  Easy. Easy. Yes, I understand – the history that exists between whites, blacks, slavery, and segregation makes the disrespect deeply personal and more hurtful. I get it, and I agree completely.


At one point, Aaryn dismissed her lack of respect by saying her housemates call her a dumb blonde and judge her by her looks all the time.

Okaaay. So that makes it right? Heck no. HECK no.


When we peel away the layers, isn’t it within our nature to pick on those different from us? Isn’t it within our nature to pull from stereotypes?

I realize the above statement may sound like I am defending Aaryn. I am not defending her. I am suggesting we are becoming desensitized to the lack of respect that is spreading like a bad rash.

The line between being funny and being hurtful is blurred and growing wider until – BAM – we are hit in the face with something that seemingly caught us off guard.

We are becoming more and more disrespectful as the years go by.  And, as my friends probably expect me to say- I blame part of this on social media and the no-filter and knee-jerk responses that fill Facebook and Twitter.

I won’t discuss the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman story, except to say that Trayvon’s friend who testified at the trial made me cringe when she used the word “cracker”. That word disgusts me, because it reminds me of the horrific treatment of the slaves. I am not a “cracker”, but because I am white and living in the South – it is a word someone could call me if they were mad or looking to hurt me. Dare I say, for those whites born after slavery, the word is as hurtful to us as the “n” word is to blacks. Both words conjure up an awful piece of history. Both words should be buried once and for all. As long as both words exist and are used in hate or in play (between people of the same race), an ongoing division will continue as a side-effect.

Can we get rid of “bitch”, too? I cannot stand how freely that word is used.

Folks, we lack respect for history, respect for elders, respect for families, respect for people, etc. We lack respect. Period.


To the producers/editors of Big Brother I say “Thank you.” Thank you for bringing the reality of racism and disrespect into the homes of millions of viewers. May we walk away from this with a greater awareness of the need for respect, and may we provide the respect all people deserve.


This morning during breakfast, my 8yr old asked me a question. Unfortunately, I don’t remember his question, but I do remember the dialogue that it sparked.

“You know, Joe. There was a time when blacks and whites
were forced to – “

“I know. I know. Blacks couldn’t do the same things whites could. I know this already.”
“Okay. Well, sadly there are some people that still have those ideas.
And –“

“Stop, Mom. You’re embarrassing me. I know all this.”
“Just promise me you will never treat someone differently because they look one way or another.”
“Mom! You know I won’t.”

I’ll make sure to continue to embarrass Joe (and Charlie) as they get older. Their embarrassment with my reminders is a small price to pay to know they will not judge a person’s outer-appearance. After all, they always show me respect, and I wear socks with sandals and flip-flops.