In the blink of an eye

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There I was – walking up the driveway after a morning walk. Suddenly, a huge bird flew in low and perched itself on a tree in our backyard.

I approached the backyard gate with excitement and anticipation. I was ready to see a red tail hawk, the type of bird seen throughout our neighborhood, but my sight locked eyes with a different feathered friend. Our backyard visitor was an owl. Continue reading

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My Own Personal Vampire

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Dear Mother Nature,

So, do you remember the movie ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer‘? Well, she started feeling cramps when the vampires were approaching. “Great,” Buffy says. “My secret weapon is PMS. That’s just terrific. Thanks for telling me.”

Mother Nature, I start to feel cramps when you approach me. Seems you are every woman’s personal vampire. (Though, I think most women would prefer a vampire like Edward in their life.) You surface once a month, sucking our energy, patience, humor and our ability to be rational. My friend – no, not you, Mother Nature, my real friend – told me that her daughter was recently added to your agenda. And, she told me that while walking with her daughter, her daughter began to cry and laugh at the same time while yelling, “I don’t know what I am feeling!” (Can I get an ‘Amen‘?)

While my friend’s daughter is just beginning the cycle, I realize my time with you is growing increasingly limited. I am also aware of the tricks you have up your sleeve before you leave me for good. Though a part of me may mourn your departure, I doubt I’ll throw you a going away party. I am glad you were (still are) a part of my life. Had you not visited me regularly, I wouldn’t have my two awesome boys. By the same token, had you not visited me, I wouldn’t have had to fix so many door jams, due to excessive door slamming.

I suppose, once you leave me, there will be cons to not having you visit. However, as I get older, I am not worried about the cons. I am focusing on the money I’ll save not having to buy the products needed for your visit. Oh wait, I suppose pads may be needed in my twilight years, too. Hmm… with that thought, stick around Mother Nature. I’ll leave the light on for you, and I may even bake you a cake.

Love,
Me

Here I Moan Again

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Dear Mother Nature,

You’re going to visit again soon, I can feel it. Moreover, my husband and kids are starting to feel it. Seems the wind has changed direction and grown gusty. And, unlike the wind that carries Mary Poppins, this wind is coming from the west. In fact, Admiral Boom has raised the storm signals, indicating heavy weather brewing.

Emotional about Joe ‘graduating’ from Suzann’s house and Charlie’s 4th birthday, this week is already a heap of haphazard hormones. And now, because you are coming for a visit, bloating, crabbiness and cravings of crap have started to encroach. Mother Nature, you are the perfect storm.

The Publix tagline, “Where shopping is a pleasure” is grating on my nerves more than ever this week. And, I saw a commercial for pads where the pad is compared to athletic wear.  ATHLETIC WEAR! To quote the commercial, “Only Stayfree Ultra-Thins have Thermo Control Designed with the comfort of athletic fabrics in mind. Stayfree Thermo Control quickly wicks moisture away, for exceptional dryness.”

Mother Nature, did you notice I provided a hyper-link to Stayfree’s product line in the previous paragraph? That link will allow you to see the stupid ad for yourself.

Ah yes, the week before the week you knock on my door, a time when friends are made and relationships improve. NOT!

And Mother Nature, don’t go trying to tell me about those women who no longer have you knocking on their door. I am in no mood to hear about how it could be worse or how other womanly hormonal experiences may be more annoying. You just hold off on that discussion for two weeks or so. Don’t look at me funny, either. I may just burst into tears.

Love,
Me

P.S. I should mention, one benefit to your visit, Mother Nature, is the fact that frustration hits quickly and can lead to instant results. I just loaded up two boxes of stuff to take to Goodwill, because I was tired of looking at all of it. I haven’t a clue what I threw in the boxes, out of frustration; hopefully, I won’t go looking for any of it in the next two weeks. Hmm . . . where’s my laptop? Uh-oh.

My Memo to Mother Nature

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Lenore Diane’s
Thoughts Exactly

MEMO

To: Mother Nature
From:
Lenore Diane
CC:
Blogosphere
Date:
May 26, 2010
Re:
Your Monthly Visit
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You are expected to knock on my door within the next 5 days, though you’ve been known to be early, as well as tardy. I am not someone who dreads your visit, except when I was actively trying to get pregnant. In fact, aside from trying to get pregnant, I have always welcomed you with open arms. Moreover, Mother Nature, I have always considered you to be a gift; though the instant the advertisers took hold of and marketed ‘the gift’, my fondness for the term lessened.

As you near my doorstep, my mood becomes increasingly agitated. Why Mother Nature? Why do you play with the hormones of women? Are women not moody enough for you? Why must you create a state of added wee-honkness? We can handle the cramps. We can handle the bloating. We can handle the backache. But increased moodiness? You’re playing with fire, Mother Nature.

And Mother Nature, please. Would you kindly send us some good advertisers to promote the products needed during your visit? It is not clear to me what the advertisers are thinking, when they put together various ad campaigns and slogans. I am afraid the advertisers don’t take into consideration that women tend to be cranky when you arrive. Speaking personally, the shiny happy faces promoting feminine products feeds my crankiness. These women are not shiny and happy, trust me.

Mother Nature, Tampax suggests women use their tampons, “So [one] can keep shining, whatever your “weather” may be?” Tampax also has a product line called ‘Tampax Pearl’. Pearl? Are women suppose to equate feminine protection to pearls? Not sure about most women, but I prefer to wear my pearls as a necklace or earrings. I see no reason to incorporate pearls with my cycle. Although, perhaps I would have a ‘happy period’ if I wore my pearl earrings and necklace during your visit, Mother Nature.

And, Always’ marketing campaigns? Oh Mother Nature, how I have ranted about Always. [‘Happy Period’? Don’t get me started.] Well, I noticed Always has a new tag line for their liners. Supposedly, Always’ liners “Keep you centered.” Really? So, if I am finding it hard to balance my life, all I have to do is wear an Always liner and I will feel centered?! Amazing! Perhaps finding balance isn’t a myth, after all!

Mother Nature, I know this is not a traditional memo. My apologies. Still, I wanted to write you and express my frustration. And, since your arrival is nearing, it should come as no surprise that I am feeling frustrated, eh? Mother Nature, I request sweetly, please reach out and knock some sense in to the advertisers of feminine products

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to try and reign in the cravings that hit this time of the month, while doing my best to be a shiny, happy woman. Approach with caution.