A Letter to Viola Davis

~ Lenore Diane ~ 2 Comments

What follows is a letter to a celebrity who I adore, Viola Davis. Written in 2021, but not posted, it is something that I have had on my heart for years. It is not a long post, and it is not a deep post. And though I am nervous about every post I publish, this post has me more nervous than most. As I re-read and make small edits, I am going back and forth with increasing nervousness and feeling silly that I am letting myself get worked up. This needs to get out to the “interverse” (internet universe), so I can get it out of my head. (It will remain on my heart.)

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March 31, 2021

Dear Ms. Viola Davis,

I hope this letter finds you well. “Well” is an important word this year, during the COVID pandemic. So truly, I hope this finds you well.

I’ve written this letter to you several times throughout the past 10+ years. The motivation to write the letter came with the release of “Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom”. Though, honestly, I won’t watch the movie anytime soon. Seeing Chadwick Boseman so skinny and knowing he was battling Cancer is too personal for me. My Dad died of Cancer back in February of 1994, and he, too, dropped weight and looked like someone other than my Dad. My memory and Chadwick’s battle are too tough for me right now, so I will hold off seeing the movie. Alas, that is not the point of this letter.

I first “met” you in early 2005. I had given birth to my older son, and I was home on maternity leave, being a new Mom, and dealing with postpartum depression. I spent my afternoons with my television support groups: Charmed and Judging Amy. Those shows were running in syndication on the Turner Network (TNT), and I looked forward to every episode Monday through Friday. I could count on those two hours to feel “ok”, while also caring for my baby.

During one Judging Amy episode (Blast from the Past, released May 2000), you played a character named Celeste. You weren’t part of Amy’s (Amy Brenneman) story line, rather you were part of Maxine’s (Tyne Daly) story line. Do you remember?

You were a mother dealing with addiction, and you were trying desperately to regain custody of your children. You were trying, and you were going through the process to make things right. Unfortunately, Maxine did a surprise home visit, and she found drug paraphernalia in your trash can. What happened next blew me away, and I swear I became a major fan, and I noted every TV show, movie, etc. you’ve made since.

Your performance when Maxine confronts you about the tossed drug paraphernalia, and your desperate attempt to convince her that you would do better, your pleas, your sobbing, your gut-wrenching pain … it was incredible to watch. That sounds weird, I know. Saying it’s incredible to watch someone’s pain. That’s not what I meant though. I felt it. I felt every ounce of the pain you were putting out there. Every single ounce.

What is it they say in your industry – breaking the fourth wall? Technically, that’s not what you did, and Judging Amy wasn’t that kind of show. But your performance was so intense, so raw, so vulnerable, and seemingly so very real – I felt like you broke the fourth wall.

I wanted to reach out to you, console you, help you – I wanted you to be happy and get custody of your kids again. But I knew you were acting. I knew you were playing a character, and I knew it was the character I wanted to help. Still, I was in awe at how realistic and powerful your performance was on my 30″ TV, and I was certain you were showing a little of Viola Davis in the created character, Celeste.

I haven’t seen all of your work, but in everything thing that I have seen of yours – I see you sharing the same transparency, vulnerability, and honesty on screen as you do when you are doing interviews. Thank you for sharing your gift with us. You are phenomenal. Full stop.

Respectfully and with warm regards,
Lenore

Stepping into New Year Resolutions

~ Lenore Diane ~ 2 Comments

I am not one for resolutions. I enjoy goals. I enjoy challenges. And, I like deadlines, because I like targets. But resolutions? Too much of a commitment. I feel anxiety growing at the mere thought of resolutions, due to the pressure I put on myself to keep to it.

As January 1, 2024 approaches, my social media is becoming increasingly filled with self-help posts related to resolutions. Admittedly, many have caught my eye, and I’ve contemplated making various new year resolutions. But as quickly as I contemplate, my anxiety grows, and my mind proceeds to fast-forward to every day in 2024 – the challenges in keeping said resolutions, the fear of failing, the aggravation of commitment, etc.

Sound familiar? I’m really asking. Does that sound familiar to you? Or, is it just me?

Looking back on 2023, I’m pretty OK with things. Which is good, because at this point – the past is the past.

There were some pretty scary moments for me. I was not always well. But I am still here, along with my husband, two kids, two dogs, and two cats. That’s pretty sweet. I know some that cannot say the same.

One big ‘win’ for me in 2023 actually started in June 2022. I started working out pretty regularly at a small Pilates/barre/yoga studio. I found the studio through a Facebook group, and through the classes I’ve attended and the people I’ve met in those classes – I’ve grown in many ways. Again, I’ve had setbacks, but I’m still here. While my family and close friends help to keep me here, the small community I found at Breathe challenges me to really stay focused on my own self-care. It’s really important one’s oxygen masks is securely on one’s self before they attempt to be present to or for anyone else. And, one could say that Breathe is my oxygen mask.

So, what does the above have to do with resolutions? Well, I think I am ready to make one. Actually, I think I am ready to make several.

Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones. Have you seen it? It’s a documentary on Netflix. Author Dan Buettner spent 20 years traveling to unique communities where people live extraordinary long and vibrant lives, while really just living their own normal life. Commonalities were found in the Blue Zones, including types of food eaten and an active lifestyle. In addition to those commonalities, they mentioned “Moai” and “ikigai”, which are my resolutions – not for 2024, but for my life going forward.

According to the website, Moai is a group of lifelong friends, and a social support group that forms in order to provide varying support from social, financial, health, or spiritual interests. I am thankful to have some lifelong friends, and I am grateful for all of them. But most of my lifelong friends are not close to home. I want to find a close group of friends that are close to me in proximity. I want to meet up with friends on a regular basis – small groups, coffee chats, workouts, walks, etc. My resolution is to work to make that happen.

Ikigai, according to the website, is an Okinawan word that means ‘a sense of purpose’.  To me, one’s purpose could be closely related to something for which they are passionate. And for me, that is writing. This blog started so many years ago, and I was very active with it. But, as my toddlers grew into school-aged kids, I didn’t have the time or mental bandwidth to write as much as I wanted. Now, my school-age kids are college-age kids, with one in the midst of his first year at university and the other starting his first year in August 2024. With this new season, I can feel my bandwidth starting to increase. I do say that with some trepidation. My full-time paid gig is pretty demanding. I work long hours, and I am not sure how I will manage my time to make time to feed my passion. That is what I have to do, though. I need to make it a priority to make time to feed my passion. This is a rewarding passion for me, whether there are readers or not. I feel really good right now, as I type this out. I miss this feeling. My resolution is to feed my writing passion.

That’s it. I have resolutions for 2024, and I am looking forward to the challenge. I am looking forward to the new season. Will there be anxiety? Sure. But I’ve managed it in the past. Will I definitely find my Moai? Maybe not. Will my ikigai stay lit? Who knows. These are two awesome resolutions that would benefit me in so many ways. For now, the thought of all the light that could come into my life if I find even a small fragment of success is all I need to get me started. And starting is the most important step.

See you in 2024!

Stuck in a State of Pause

~ Lenore Diane ~ 4 Comments

Remember the shutdown of 2020 due to COVID-19? That’s a rhetorical question. I don’t think anyone will forget the shutdown. Admittedly, my husband and two kids didn’t mind the shutdown. The kids were fine playing on their computer, my husband was fine tinkering in the basement, and I was fine getting out and walking every day. It worked for us for the first several months. Gradually though, like most everyone else, we found ourselves in rut. The kids grew tired of playing on the computer, and I grew tired of walking every single day. (Notice I left my husband out, he will never grow tired of tinkering.)

In early 2020, before the true shutdown began, I was actively working full-time as an in-home pet sitter. I was very busy the first several months of the year, and when all travel stopped, I was grateful to be home with my family and sleep in my own bed. It was nice having free time again. It was nice seeing my family – all day every day. And, it was nice getting a chance to take myself for a walk vs. taking my clients’ pups for a walk. (I don’t poop on my walks, and I enjoyed not having to pick up any poop.)

As the year dragged on with the pandemic raging and people dying, I struggled to stay positive and motivated. I decided to create monthly challenges via Facebook, and I organized virtual happy hours and book clubs. I was motivated, and connections were made and friendships grew. And through it all, I gained a stronger awareness of social injustice and racism. I learned a great deal in 2020, and I grew a great deal in 2020. But, I left 2020 tired.

The monthly challenges I created to connect and motivate became tiring for me, as did the virtual book clubs and happy hours. I felt I was carrying these connections by myself. People were asking me to create new challenges to motivate themselves, but I didn’t see anyone stepping up to motivate me. I slowly slipped into a pity party for myself. It seemed to me that if I wasn’t doing the leading, it wasn’t going to get done; but, I was looking for new leaders. I was tired of leading. I wanted to be led. I wanted to be motivated by others, as I had motivated them. As I slipped further into my pity party, I walked away from creating challenges, organizing virtual book clubs and happy hours. I slipped into something similar to a deep depression.

It’s nearly the end of 2021, and I find myself still in the the hole I was in when I left 2020. It’s not depression; it’s a true lack of motivation. That’s not to say I don’t have any motivation. I still get out of bed. I still want to work. I still want to be with my family, make the bed, take the boys to school, etc. I still want to live. But, I’m not motivated to better myself. I’m not motivated to better others. That sounds horrible. It’s awful.

Looking back, 2020 seems like a year of nothing, because we were stuck at home for most of it. It’s not true though – so much happened. Still, the pause button was in place for so very long, and I am finding it very hard to get it unstuck. I’m trying to create challenges, again; I’m trying to connect with friends, again – in real life; but, it’s not working very well. I’m not walking consistently, and I’m not meeting my own challenges. I’m trying to find the motivation, but the motivation hasn’t returned in full.

Apparently my attempt to connect and stay motivated in 2020 depleted my fuel tank. It’s October 2021, and my fuel tank still seems depleted. It’s taking a very long time for me to get back into life. It’s taking me a very long time to want to care for myself and others. I still care, but the drive – the desire – the motivation . . . it’s not strong and it doesn’t last long. (It lasts about as long as my morning and afternoon caffeine fixes.) Am I the only one?

People are continuing to die from complications to COVID-19, as well as other diseases. How many of us made it through the pandemic but are still struggling to live again? Dying due to complications from any illness sucks, and there is literally no coming back from it. Being alive but not living due to complications from a tragedy or trauma is – well, it’s stupid. But, it’s where I am right now; and, I am trying hard to get unstuck in all aspects of the life I still have. Are you still stuck? Are you still trying to get unstuck? If so, I get it. And, I wish us luck in getting unstuck in this state of pause.

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