Category: This and that

My View Today

~ Lenore Diane ~ Leave a comment

Tolle writes, “When every thought absorbs your attention completely, when you are so identified with the voice in your head and the emotions that accompany it that you lose yourself in every thought and every emotion, then you are totally identified with form and therefore in the grip of ego.”

Because of the overwhelming awareness of emotions within me, the voice in my head rattles on most of my waking hours. And today, there is frustration and sadness within me. My heart aches for my nephew, and my heart aches for one of my very best friends, who just found out her Mom is battling Cancer. And, as I read Tolle today, the frustration within me increases.

Living in an unconscious state is sometimes a blessing. Generally speaking, drug addicts, alcoholics, bulimics, anorexics, etc. aren’t trying to find their conscious state; rather they are trying to find a state of unconsciousness. Yes, I understand the concept of the mind – the ego – telling you that your life is lacking for whatever reason. I understand the concept of using food to avoid the labels of the ego. But seriously, I am wondering if I am too in tune with my emotional state. I am wondering if I am too in tune with a conscious state. I analyze too much as it is now; reading Tolle seems to encourage further analysis which is overloading the circuits in my consciousness.

One of my Facebook friends had this as her status: ‘In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.’ There is humor and truth to that thought. Humankind is constantly searching for something else. If that statement weren’t true, books would not be sold, and spiritual teachers would not have pupils attending their classes. Even living in the state of consciousness creates a desire to find an even deeper sense of consciousness. Seeking a deeper sense of consciousness risks falling into the trap of always wanting greater fulfillment.

When frustrated or sad (or experiencing any emotion), Tolle suggests one should express the feeling as ‘there is frustration in me’, rather than saying ‘I am frustrated’. Tolle suggests that the emotion has nothing to do with who you are. Honestly, I do notice a difference within myself when I say, “I feel frustrated” vs. “There is frustration within me.” One of those statements seems to remove me from the situation to the point that the frustration seems less intense. However, even though there are tendencies within me to stew on any given emotion at any given time, I don’t recall feeling as though any given emotion was my identity. Unless ‘crazy’ is an emotion.

Seriously, this book is dangerous territory for me. I need not be encouraged to observe my thoughts instead of listening to my thoughts. Listening was never a strong suit of mine, anyway. In the meantime, the frustration and sadness exists within me. My thoughts are consumed with my friend and her Mom. In fact, after reading this, I ask that you take a moment to say a prayer, send a positive thought, or whatever the spiritual side of you does – please send support to my friend and her family. Her brother, while battling a brain tumor, kept these words beside him during his struggle: Strength, Perseverance, Determination, Hope. Those are good qualities on which to hold tight.

And to my friend, I raise a glass of Guinness to you and your Mom. Guinness for Strength; Guinness for Health. I love you.

Documentation

~ Lenore Diane ~ Leave a comment

FYI: In case you are following my journey, know that this post is unrelated to my journey posts.

This is a post about what I realize is one of the many reasons I write: Alzheimer’s disease. Well, I’m not writing about Alzheimer’s, rather I am writing about why I want to document my thoughts and experiences about life. In the future, should I be diagnosed with a memory stealing disease like Alzheimer’s, I want my kids to know what I thought about friends, family and life. I want my kids to know I loved them. (And, I’m okay with them finding out what annoyed me.)

I started writing this post several weeks ago. I was inspired by at story I watched on CBS Sunday Morning, ‘Jan’s Story‘. Because I was afraid many would find the post too depressing, I held off making it public. However, because of some news I received today, I have decided to publish this post.

What news did I receive, you ask? I know, you didn’t ask, but I am going to share some of it with you, nonetheless. A friend of my nephew was murdered yesterday. Her life was taken away by her Mom, who then turned the gun on herself. My nephew is grieving. This 19yr old was murdered by her Mom, and then her Mom committed suicide. Her Mom committed suicide. Suicide.

Me and my favorite guys - the ones I love the most.

I’ve considered suicide. I have seriously considered suicide. I’ve planned suicide. I know what it is like to be in the black hole that is all encompassing. I know what it feels like to believe wholeheartedly there is no way out but death. And, by the grace of God (and the support of friends and family), I held on to my life; I found my way out of the black hole.

Because I am alive today, I can look back and recall very recent memories of laughing fits that left me with a belly ache. I can recall recent warm fuzzies where Joe and Charlie gave me ‘around the neck’ hugs. And, I can remember many nights this Summer, helping Joe and Charlie catch fireflies. These precious moments were inconceivable to me, while in the depths of despair; but, because I faced the black hole, I was left to live in the light.

As I type, my youngest has a pillow propped up on my arm, and he is lying beside me watching a movie. Soon, I am going to give both him and his brother a bubble bath. We are together, and I am thankful I am still here to be with them.

I want my kids to know the good the bad and the ugly in life. I want them to know when they experience moments, hours, days or weeks that suck, there are more moments, hours, days and weeks that don’t suck. I want them to know that just because you yell at someone at the top of your lungs, it doesn’t wipe away the intense love you feel for the person. And, in case I am not around, mentally, to tell them my take on all of the above, they can read about my thoughts and experiences.

Regardless of how it happens, death will find me. However, death will not find me by my own hand. Suicide is not the answer. Suicide is not the answer. Suicide is not the answer. Yes. Sometimes it is pitch black. Sometimes death seems the only way out. I get that. I completely get that. But it is wrong. Death is not the only way out. It is not. Someone will lend you a hand. Someone will hold your hand as long as it takes and as often as it takes to keep you going. Just reach out. I will hold your hand. Even though I don’t know you.

Do not commit suicide. You will hurt more people by leaving than you will by staying. Killing yourself will do more harm than good. Suicide is a cruel and selfish act. You are not cruel. You are not selfish. Do not do it.

Going back to Alzheimer’s, my hope is that I recognize and don’t forget who my loved ones are as death approaches. But, just in case, Joe and Charlie, whether or not I remember your face, your name or your role in my life, I don’t want you to ever forget that I love you. You will always be in my heart, even if my head forgets.

P.S. Remember Joe and Charlie, do NOT commit suicide. Reach out. A hand will be extended and willing to help.

A trip to the gas station

~ Lenore Diane ~ Leave a comment

After I picked up some groceries, I drove to the gas station, located in the same parking lot. I love the convenience big chain grocery stores provide by also selling gas. When I pulled up, I noticed an older lady (around 78 yrs old) standing behind her car, while a younger ‘older’ man filled the car with gas. He was the gas station attendant, and he was helping this older woman.

I got out of my car, and I started filling my car with gas. I heard the dialogue between this man and woman. She was telling the man about the car, which she and her husband bought 10yrs ago, with the hope of taking it on long trips. Then she said, “But then, he had a stroke and that was it. He had his own business, too; and, it was doing really well.”  As I stood by the car, trying to be discreet with my eavesdropping, the woman said, “She can pump her own gas.” ACK! I was caught!

I smiled to the woman. Then I heard her to yell to someone across from me, “He’ll be with you in a minute. He’s helping me pump the gas.” I looked over in the direction she was speaking, and I noticed a guy, probably in his late 30s, waiting for the gas station attendant to return to the cashier window.

He smiled and said, “That’s fine. No problem.”

Then the woman looked at me and said, “My husband and my sons never let me fill the tank. They would always carry (yes, she said carry) the car to the gas station for me.”

Still smiling, I said “That was nice of them.” Then she said, “Well, yes but my husband died and the boys grew up, got married and moved away from home. They all left me.”

I chuckled a little and said, “How rude.” She smiled back and said, “Rude and hateful. Just hateful.” And, we both laughed.

The attendant finished filling the tank, and I watched the two walk over to the cashier’s window. “Thank you for your patience,” the woman said, as she approached the waiting customer. “Oh. No problem.” He said. And, as I got in the car to head home, I heard her say, “I suppose I could have filled the tank myself, if my life depended on it.”

I enjoy moments like the one I had at the gas station. And, I enjoy the friendliness and generosity of good-hearted people. There was a time when a gas station attendant would always greet a driver at the gas pump. Gradually, the full-service gas station went to the wayside, though not before giving the driver a choice between self-service and full-service.

I remember those days, and I am certain the guy waiting at the cashier window remembers those days. But, nowadays, I know there are more people that don’t recall the days of the gas station attendant. And, those younger folks would probably not be as patient or kind as the guy waiting for the attendant. I am glad the attendant was willing to come out of his ‘box’ and help this woman. I wish more people would come out of their ‘box’ and help others, too. Or, if people prefer to stay in their ‘box’, perhaps they could be patient and kind while someone else lends a hand.