My Memo to Mother Nature

Lenore Diane’s
Thoughts Exactly

MEMO

To: Mother Nature
From:
Lenore Diane
CC:
Blogosphere
Date:
May 26, 2010
Re:
Your Monthly Visit
________________________________________________________________

You are expected to knock on my door within the next 5 days, though you’ve been known to be early, as well as tardy. I am not someone who dreads your visit, except when I was actively trying to get pregnant. In fact, aside from trying to get pregnant, I have always welcomed you with open arms. Moreover, Mother Nature, I have always considered you to be a gift; though the instant the advertisers took hold of and marketed ‘the gift’, my fondness for the term lessened.

As you near my doorstep, my mood becomes increasingly agitated. Why Mother Nature? Why do you play with the hormones of women? Are women not moody enough for you? Why must you create a state of added wee-honkness? We can handle the cramps. We can handle the bloating. We can handle the backache. But increased moodiness? You’re playing with fire, Mother Nature.

And Mother Nature, please. Would you kindly send us some good advertisers to promote the products needed during your visit? It is not clear to me what the advertisers are thinking, when they put together various ad campaigns and slogans. I am afraid the advertisers don’t take into consideration that women tend to be cranky when you arrive. Speaking personally, the shiny happy faces promoting feminine products feeds my crankiness. These women are not shiny and happy, trust me.

Mother Nature, Tampax suggests women use their tampons, “So [one] can keep shining, whatever your “weather” may be?” Tampax also has a product line called ‘Tampax Pearl’. Pearl? Are women suppose to equate feminine protection to pearls? Not sure about most women, but I prefer to wear my pearls as a necklace or earrings. I see no reason to incorporate pearls with my cycle. Although, perhaps I would have a ‘happy period’ if I wore my pearl earrings and necklace during your visit, Mother Nature.

And, Always’ marketing campaigns? Oh Mother Nature, how I have ranted about Always. ['Happy Period'? Don't get me started.] Well, I noticed Always has a new tag line for their liners. Supposedly, Always’ liners “Keep you centered.” Really? So, if I am finding it hard to balance my life, all I have to do is wear an Always liner and I will feel centered?! Amazing! Perhaps finding balance isn’t a myth, after all!

Mother Nature, I know this is not a traditional memo. My apologies. Still, I wanted to write you and express my frustration. And, since your arrival is nearing, it should come as no surprise that I am feeling frustrated, eh? Mother Nature, I request sweetly, please reach out and knock some sense in to the advertisers of feminine products

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to try and reign in the cravings that hit this time of the month, while doing my best to be a shiny, happy woman. Approach with caution.

Predictable Patterns

It’s that time of the month again. And, yes, I am writing about it. I am fairly certain I am not the only blogger going down this road. And, if writing about it makes me happy and less cranky, I’m guessing my husband would love for me to write about it every day. (Especially, if it keeps me from hounding him about the water ring on the counter, the socks on the floor, the radio blaring, the shoes … well, you get my drift.)

I am not here to tell you WHY we women get so ding-dang moody once a month; I’m just here to tell you that I am one of many. And, I am going to use this here blog to release the hormones that can ruin the moods of my family or increase the size of my waist. Seriously. Why do I crave ice cream more towards the start of things vs. any other time? It is crazy people, crazy.

Last night, while eating supper as a family (which we do every night), I was laughing with the boys. We were being very silly, giggling and telling knock-knock jokes. [Note: Knock-knock jokes with the boys (ages 3 and 5) are made-up and rarely make sense. Example: 'Knock-knock. Who's there? Tree. Tree who? Tree blah blah bloo'.] The three of us were having a blast. My husband was just smiling and watching us be crazy. Suddenly. The hormones hit.

Out of nowhere, I yelled at the boys and told them to be quiet and calm down. Ok. I didn’t really yell, but I did become a distant cousin to the chick from The Exorcist. PMS overcame me, and I was done. I couldn’t get the table cleared and the boys off to the tub fast enough. And by ‘off to the tub’ I mean, I passed – ok – threw them to my husband. He is in charge of bathing the boys. He lets them play more than I do; which means he lets them splash to the point that it looks like the toilet has overflowed. Ok. Maybe I am exaggerating a bit, but the floor is definitely wet after they take their bath.

So, the boys were in the tub, my husband was with the boys and I was left alone in the kitchen. I was able to clean the dishes, etc., losing myself with the running of water. “La La La La PMS! I can’t hear you with the water running!” I was able to keep the raging hormones at bay, though I admit I grumbled under my breath a few times as I had to wipe the table and place mats. ‘Grrr…. why are they so messy at meal time? Don’t they know to push their chair under the table when they leave? Seriously. Can you not take your cup to the sink . . .’

Once the kitchen was tidy and dishes were cleaned, I could hear the mayhem in the bathroom. Can you hear the chilling music building in the background?! It is ridiculous how quick irritability can take over during the monthly patterns. I knew it was coming, and I did my best to keep the little monster in the cage. I knew the boys were having fun, and I knew my husband had things under control. And suddenly, (because it is always suddenly, isn’t it?) I heard whining. UGH! Whining and crying while battling PMS? Yeah, um, that’s not a good mix.

I counted to 10. I counted to 10 again. I counted to 50. I counted backwards. I did the hokey pokey and I turned myself around . . .  And then I went in to the bathroom and demanded everyone get out of the tub. My husband was sad. It was his turn with the boat, and he was about to sink it. (Ha. Kidding. He wasn’t in the tub. And, I must tell you, it cracks me up to write about how I lost it last night. I know it is ridiculous when it happens. Still, PMS is a boogah of a boogah.) So, the boys got out of the tub, got dressed and brushed teeth. And, peace was restored in the village. I sat down with the boys and read two books. My oldest asked for a 3rd book and I said – are you ready? – I said, “Sure.” Take THAT, PMS!