This morning is a crazy morning for me. My thoughts are in overdrive, and I am finding it difficult to focus on one thought and seeing it through to completion. And, with the manic state of mind comes tension. I seem to be in a constant state of tension. Even as I type, I feel the tension in my upper back and lower jaw. I tell myself to relax, and I do – for a second. But the tension finds me again.
Yesterday, my word of the day was acknowledgment. It was my attempt to call out my fears, my doubts, my insecurities in hopes they would not overpower me. Can’t say as it worked. I didn’t have a bad day, mind you, I just walked around with tension, much like today.
Someone once pointed out to me that the word Fear meant ‘False evidence appearing real’. I like that. And, I try to remind myself of falseness surrounding fear. Still, the tension grips me. My guess is that fear is not the sole cause for my tension. I’m not sure where the source or cause of my tension is located. It doesn’t make sense that tension has a hold on me today. Today is a lovely Sunday morning. Actually, we’ve slipped past morning and into the afternoon.
The boys spent the night with their grandparents, so my husband and I were able to sleep through the night with little interruption. And, we actually slept in this morning until we woke up naturally. My oldest son likes to come in our room and walk over to me most mornings asking, “Mommy, can I wake up yet?” I’m thankful, he typically comes in shortly before 7AM. I know kids that wake up their parents earlier than 7AM, so I won’t complain… too much. So, I was able to sleep in and have a nice quiet morning. My husband left for church, while I stayed home and enjoyed watching CBS Sunday Morning, surfing the internet and doing laundry. And, yes, I consider that to be a wonderful morning.
Still, as I type, I feel the tension. It is starting to radiate up my neck and into my head, too. I may end up having to take a generic motrin to ease the tension, but I hope my writing about it will help clear the air, so to speak. And, I wonder if having sex would help the tension. But, I won’t dwell on that thought too much on this blog. I’m guessing my husband would find a line crossed if I started talking about sex. Not because we have anything to hide, so much as you never really know who reads this, how it could be taken and of course – if it will one day haunt you. I do wonder, though; does sex offer long term benefits to easing tension? Exercise is said to ease tension; and, as I get further into my newly started exercise regimen, I may find the tension decreasing. Stay tuned, won’t you?
What other areas could be causing my tension? Seriously. Why am I tense? Life is good. My marriage is not the best, but we are making progress day by day. This blog has truly helped with conversation between my husband and me. We have spoken more to each other this past week than we have in the past several months. Really. And, we are having true conversations. We are not just talking about the boys and the daily routine. Again, we are making progress day by day.
I suppose I still have some fear and uncertainty about my marriage. Well, not my marriage per se, but fear and uncertainty about me and keeping my end of the bargain. By that I mean, allowing myself to like my husband again. Allowing myself to be open to him and open to reconnecting with him. Yes, as I type that I do feel the tension ease a bit. Just maybe I am getting some where. My tension comes from an uncertainty and fear of myself. Seems I may not trust myself. Am I strong enough to be vulnerable? Am I strong enough to be open? And how in the world did I get so screwed up?! Gracious.
I have family members that may be reading this and thinking, “Man, Lenorediane just over-thinks things to death.” I won’t argue with that statement. And, I haven’t a clue why I over-think things. Nor do I know how to stop over-thinking things. And with this dialogue the tension is crashing over me like a wave all over again.
I’m getting closer to the source of my tension; I can feel it. For too many years I have cared greatly about what people think of me. I still care. And, I let my concern about other people’s opinions have a direct effect on me. I want to be seen, and I want to be heard. I want folks to approve of me. We all do, don’t we? Who really means it when they say , “I don’t care what anyone thinks”?
Ok. Ok. So, this has increased my tension 10-fold. Clearly, I am on the right path. I need to refocus on my marriage, though. I get so overwhelmed with the thought of meeting everyone’s approval. I want folks to like me, though frankly I’m perfectly content with not liking everyone. I want people to find me funny and entertaining. I want them to see me as a kind, caring and genuine person. I also want them to consider me to be a good writer. I overwhelm myself with how I want others to view me, and the reality is – the one person I don’t sing and dance for, my husband – well, he finds me to be all of the above.
Family: they love you no matter what, and the accept you 100%, though they may not always agree with you. Friends: they accept you and love you, though some stick around more than others. And spouses? Well, when you find the right one, they have the potential to be the best of the best – the best family member and the best friend, provided you let them. And, if I let my husband be all he could be for me, and if I tried to be all I could be for him, perhaps my tension would ease and not be so persistent.
So. Make myself vulnerable. Open myself up to my husband. Let him see me smile. And in turn, see his vulnerabilities, see him open himself up to me and enjoy his smile. I still feel the tension, and the feeling is intense. I’ll have to fumble around this junk drawer a bit more to see what else I can find that might help. In the meantime, I might try more sex and exercise.